attack attack attack

Wanderers,

I've just had one of the Club Selectors on the blower, and the panel are not
happy. "The bloody Club Rebel has gone out of bounds yet again, stepping on
the toes of other Club officials and making a pestering nuisance of himself"
is the first thing Les said to me when I picked up the receiver. "Les, I had
to get out of the jacuzzi to answer this damn phone call so it'd better be
good" I said tersely, hoping our Hungarian overseer would take the hint and
tell his story walking. As it turns out, the matter was too grave for it to
be turned aside so quickly, much to the Donna's disappointment (I had to
send them for an early shower). The issue in question, Les went on, is
Wazza's scandalous team selections. Not only are they a blatant slap in the
face to recent form in the league, but they have also left Wazzadona wide
open to rumours that he is "on the take" from certain factions in the
Wanderers, particularly the Right Wingers in the club General Sandinista and
Juan De'l Amor. I laid out a line of coke on the mirror-top table in front
of me.

"Leave it to me, Les" I said, putting down the phone and then snorting two
equal nostril-fulls of coarse white powder. Wiping the remnants from my
nose, I picked up the Official SCW Teamsheet which I keep beside my bed and
scanned the names. Five-a-side. That's 5 players, I calculated for my own
benefit. We'll need speed. And intelligence. And presence of mind. And
strength. And, most of all, guts. When I mentally checked off this list of
essential characteristics the team picked itself. We'd adopt a 4-pronged
strikeforce, with a goalkeeper just because Camikaze has the perfect yellow
jersey for the gloveman:

Striker 1 - DJA
Striker 2 - DJA
Striker 3 - DJA
Striker 4 - DJA
G/K - Comrade

However, when I rang the tournament organisers to get their advice on
filling out the teamsheet as per the above I was politely but firmly
informed that the same player cannot in fact be represented more than once
in a team. This is clearly a joke of a competition and the organiser's
philosophy goes against everything that's great about Latin American futbol
(ie showpony individualism). "No joke" said the lady on the other end. I
hung up. It was instantly clear to me that I would have to abstain from this
charade, in protest to those who would take the silent "I" out of team. I've
since spoken with Comrade who I believe will be joining my protest in
solidarity.

"Back to square one" I muttered to myself, as I did another line of coke.
Just at that point Norks started rolling violently from side to side.
"Fucking jetskis" I yelled out the starboard side window. I reached for my
sawnoff shotgun, and then realised I'd lent it to a couple of kids back at
the pier. "You'll keep, punk!" I called after the gold-chain wearing pilot
of the aquatic lawnmower. I popped a couple of valium to calm my nerves, and
then returned to the task at hand.

Having ruled out the Club's strongest team, I then came up with a revised
team which is still, I believe, capable of getting the South Coogee
Wanderers to Manchester so we can breakfast with the Brothers Neville.
After hazy discussions with several Club Backbenchers, I've modified the
formation to account for the relative strengths of the remaining players,
and come up with a 1-0-1-3 formation as follows:

Striker 1 - Barista
Striker 2 - Van Hankelroy
Striker 3 - Iainomoto
* Striker 3 stunt double (to be called into action in the event that El
Presidente is called away to mediate international tensions within the UN,
and who is responsible for bringing and cutting the oranges in any event) -
Wazzadona

Holding midfield - Cagey le Coge (who will cover everything between the half
way line and the 6 yard box)

Goalkeeper - Adam "No Gloves" Sanfordinho

Utility substitution - Bam Bambanista

How our Patron Saint could have overlooked the tantalising frontline of
Barista, Van Hankelroy and Iainomoto is inexplicable, providing further
evidence (if any was needed) of why his application to join the Club's
Selection Panel has been knocked back for the last 5 years running. I looked
admiringly back over my selections and smiled. "Manchester" i said.

Job done, I prepared a shot of Horse. Then I gave in to the demands of the
Donnas and returned to the Jacuzzi to celebrate my success as selector with
some goalmouth sleaze.

The hard work off the ball now having been done, I suggest that all
Wanderers be present, even those not selected as above, for Cardinal
Storrienko's pre-game blessing. If it's anything like the sermon he gave to
open the Sydney Olympics in 2000 you won't want to miss it.

Yours in the Footballing Bahamas
Don Juan Aaron
Whip