SCW Stockholm Quarterly Report

Fellow elite athletes,

In answer to your question comrade, the mini saunas launch went off without a hitch, IKEA now stocks them and they're selling like meatballs.

I can report progress by the SCW Stockholm Office on two olympics-related projects. Firstly, I took a walkover of the 1912 Stockholm Olympic Stadium (a much more modest affair than Rino's Birds Nest, Beijing) in the company of our good friend Ben Sturner. He outlined the whole naming rights idea, and together we developed an early concept design for SCW re-branding - see attached photo. Obviously at one end of the stadium there would be a large bronze statue of the famous "Hankers Roll".

Secondly, I've decided to re-design the whole olympics concept, with a view that (a) SCW will be given naming rights to all stadiums, events and even competitors, and (b) it won't suck as much. The existing olympics concept should be relegated to a yawn in the annals of history, though television footage could be kept at hand by psychiatrists for clinical prescription to insomnia sufferers.

Here's the new draft format I've come up with so far. There will only be 5 events, as follows:

1. SWIMMING - One event only. The winner is he/she that can swim the farthest, unassisted. Preferably held outdoors, somewhere like the English Channel. Any competitor that appears to be drowning, as we may expect once exhaustion kicks in, cannot be assisted.

2. DIVING - One event only. Similar to the swimming, the winner is he/she that can dive from the highest platform and still enter the water hands first. The platform will be crane-mounted, so it can simply be winched up higher and higher as the event progresses.

3. SKIRMISH - This is a team event. Competitors from two teams are released into an "olympic arena". They may take with them a preferred weapon of either a pistol, archery bow, javelin or throwing hammer. Inside the arena, competitors can walk, run or be on horses. Each strike of an opponent scores points, and total team annihilation is equivalent to an automatic knockout. Sudden death format (for practical reasons), and ideally held in a colusseum-style arena.

4. KILL THE DILL WITH THE PILL - Also a team event. Competitors are placed on a court with a football, a basketball, a shuttlecock, a ping ping ball, a tennis ball, a handball and a volleyball. The aim is to beat the crap out of the other team while retaining hold of as many of the balls as possible.

5. POLE VAULT - As is. This event is already cool enough, though could possibly be enhanced if the bar is barbed.

Tell me that these aren't infinitely more watchable... More blood and sweat and less tears, that's what our marketing says the fans want.

Obviously it's raining here today, though Cagey could have told you that.

Yours beneath the sacred flame lit by Comrade's bean soup,
DJA

Phantasy League Minutes No 58

PHANTASY LEAGUE MINUTES

No. 58

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

1 The Phantasy Sub-Committee met virtually, from 12:30am, pursuant to last weekend’s off-field Phantasy fracas. The President (Mr Ianamoto) took the Chair, made an acknowledgement of country and read Prayers, 9:00:16 AM.

Mr Cardinal, 9:01:14 AM sought leave to move a motion in the powder room.

Leave not granted.

2 SUSPENSION OF PHANTASY GAMEWEEK 1 ORDERS MOVED

Mr PM, 9:01:28 AM moved—Someone out there has picked up a 10M kip player (you know who you are [identifying Mr VHR]). The limit, as agreed, is 9.9M, excluding all 10M kip players. How maybe having 3 different teams was intended to get the rest of us confused, maybe you got yourself confused. Judging by the fact that your themed team and your random team both seem to comply but your primary team doesn't (and is still coming last).

That so much of the standing and sessional orders be suspended as would prevent the member for Bunnerong from moving the following motion forthwith—That this House censures Mr VHR for:

(1) misleading the Phantasy sub-committee in relation to starting a player above the regulated limit of 9.9 kip.

(2) misleading the Phantasy sub-committee by asserting that he mistakenly put Nani in his team.

(3) misleading the Phantasy sub-committee about the effectiveness of his first team, which were resoundingly beaten by his second and third teams.

Point of order, Mr PM, 9:03:51 AM, Mr Sandinista, 9:05:20 AM

Closure of Member

Mr PM, 9:05:31 AM, moved—That Mr VHR be no longer heard.

Question—put.

The House divided (the Speaker, Mr Iainamoto, in the Chair)—

AYES, 60

Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM

NOES, 15

Mr VHR
Mr Sandinista
Mr Solskjaer
Mr Sherringham
Mr Lanky
Mr Don Juan
Mr Juan
Mr Balbo
Mrs Balbo
Mr Cagey
Mr Bam
Mr Comrade
Mr Buff
Mr Cardinal
Mr Kamikaze

* Tellers

And so it was negatived, as Balbo voted negative. [Div No. 135], 9:05:48 AM to 9:16:58 AM, Ayes 69, Noes 73, Balbo Noes 1.

Mr Balbo, 9:17:11 AM moved—That Mr VHR be granted an extension of competence.

Question—put.

Mr Balbo moved—That Mr VHR be granted an extension of competence not exceeding 100 points.

The House divided (the Speaker, Mr Iainamoto, in the Chair)—

AYES, 15

Mr VHR
Mr Sandinista
Mr Solskjaer
Mr Sherringham
Mr Lanky
Mr Don Juan
Mr Juan
Mr Balbo
Mrs Balbo
Mr Cagey
Mr Bam
Mr Comrade
Mr Buff
Mr Kamikaze
Mr Cardinal

NOES, 60

Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM

* Tellers

Pairs

And so it was resolved in the affirmative, as Balbo voted affirmative. [Div No. 136], 9:17:24 AM to 9:27:07 AM, Ayes 72, Noes 71

3 GAMEWEEK 2 RERUN Legislation Amendment Bill (No. 2) 2011

Mr PM, pursuant to notice, presented a Bill for an Act to amend the law relating to a rerun of Gameweek 1s, and for related purposes, 9:28:16 AM.

Document

Ms PM presented numerous explanatory emails, 12:45:21 AM to 12:45:21 PM.

Bill read a first time, 9:28:27 AM.

Mr PM, 9:01:28 AM moved—VHR, I did understand your earlier email, which was my first option. My second option was another league (to allow Balbo and DJ the advantage they need to defeat Shilin and Cagey). I agree with Sandinista though - as was my first option (and VHR' suggestion). Reset the original mini-league to start in Gameweek 2, which will also give Juan, Buff and Kaze a chance to put their teams in. Borella, if we don't reset the mini-league start, then those that missed the first gameweek will enter gameweek 2 on zero points, unlike the rest of us. I hereby propose to revoke the ‘second option’.

Mr Don Juan, Mr Cardinal moved—That Mr PM get stuffed, 9:28:38 AM.

Debate adjourned (Mr Balbo, 14:33:15 PM) by email obfuscation, and the resumption of the debate made an order of the day for the next sitting.

4 PHANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE Names Registration (Transitional and Consequential Provisions) Bill 2011

Mr PM, pursuant to notice, presented a Bill for an Act to deal with transitional and consequential naming matters in connection with the Phantasy Names Registration Act 2011, and for related purposes, 9:45:12 AM.

Document

Mr PM presented an explanatory email to the bill, 12:45:18 AM, that required Phantasy Punters to place a star (*) by the side of their primary team.

Bill read a first time, 9:45:26 AM.

Debate resumed.

Closure of Member

Mr PM, 9:05:31 AM, moved—For those that have more than one team in, Punters must rename by placing an asterix (*) as prefix for those teams that are NOT your primary team (just for clarity).

Question—put.

The House divided (the Speaker, Mr Iainamoto, in the Chair)—

AYES, 60

Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM
Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM	Mr PM

NOES, 15

Mr VHR
Mr Sandinista
Mr Solskjaer
Mr Sherringham
Mr Lanky
Mr Don Juan
Mr Juan
Mr Balbo
Mrs Balbo
Mr Cagey
Mr Bam
Mr Comrade
Mr Buff
Mr Kamikaze
Mr Cardinal

* Tellers

And so it was negatived, as Balbo voted negative. [Div No. 135], 9:05:48 AM to 9:16:58 AM, Ayes 69, Noes 73, Balbo Noes 1.

5 BILLS REFERRED TO MAIN COMMITTEE

Mr Balbo, 12:24:18 PM, by leave, moved—That the following bills be referred to the Main Committee for further consideration:

Australian Meat Market Amendment (Fat Chicks Law) 2011; and

Double Doctor (Mutual Respect and Wonder) Amendment 2011.

Question—put and passed, 12:24:45 PM.

6 SCW Tax Laws Amendment (POWDER ROOM NO. 6) Bill 2011

The order of the day having been read for the resumption of the debate on the question—That the bill be now read a second time, 1:11:57 PM—

Debate resumed.

Mr Sandinista, 1:20:58 PM

Quorum called, Mr A Bond, 1:22:42 PM; Quorum formed, 1:25:51 PM, Mr C Skase, 1:25:54 PM.