Special Request from The Wanderers

Dear Soccer Wife,

I write to you on behalf of the South Coogee Wanderers Executive, Players
Association, affiliates and subsidiary organisations with a special request
relating to your soccer husband and patron saint, Wazzadona.

As you will be aware from the recent TV advertising campaign organised by
Club Secretary Abel Balbo, the Wanderers are about to record and release
their second full length album, the much anticipated Love Album. I know you
were one of the biggest supporters of our recording debut, the Summer Album,
and therefore will appreciate the significance of this project.

It is in relation to the Love Album that I write to you today. I am seeking
your leave to grant Wazzadona an evening away from his chores, so that he
can lead the Club in song this wednesday evening at the SCW studios in
Clovelly. Wazza's musical influence was great on the Summer Album, and
indeed many industry critics suggested the album would never have gone
platinum without his vocal leadership. If you've ever heard the raw voices
of Sandinista, Comrade Shilin and Cagey in disharmony I'm sure you will
agree.

I understand Wazza has homely duties and make clear that I would not be
asking such a favour from you if this were not important to the Club. After
all, the South Coogee Wanderers is a family club, promoting family values.
We would never openly endorse an attendance policy that robbed families of
their familyness, that robbed wives of their husbands or children of their
fathers*. You will recall, perhaps, recent initiatives taken by the SCW
Executive to get Wazza to curb his off-field excesses, which came about
after your representatives approached the Club seeking help. Despite the
fact that Wazza's performance on the field - while still reasonable - seems
to have suffered somewhat as a result, the Club has maintained it's hardline
stance on female fans and continues to impose a curfew on players during
travel away from our home territory of South Coogee.

As you are no doubt familiar with the Club's Women's Policy I won't quote
you tomes from that work, except to say that it too recognises the
importance of family in this Club (for instance, the importance of family
members being the right shape - see the "No Fat Chicks" section of the
policy). If you do have any questions about the Womens Policy please
contact Mark Van Hankelroy.

I therefore ask, on behalf of this otherwise cacophonous Club, that you
allow Wazzadona to attend the recording this wednesday and save the Love
Album from the bargain basement bins at HMV. In return, Wazza will take on
two additional evenings of family responsibilities** to allow you to relax
how you wish, and will also bring you a bunch of flowers from the South
Coogee Wanderers Growers Association market garden.

Your generosity in assisting the Club is anticipated and much appreciated.

Yours sincerely

Don Juan Aaron
Club DJ
For and on behalf of the South Coogee Wanderers

* excepting for games of football and recording of albums.
** any evening except any wednesday

Whats That Smell Part 2

Comrade:

Beans? What beans? If you want more, I can have them couriered up to
the EPA. The latest batch has been in the fridge for a week or so, so you
might have to fiddle with the office emission standards.

===============================
Don Juan:

Ah Shi Lin,

It's not the latest version of your now-famous "bean surprise" that i was referring to. The original batch is of far more concern.

If you haven't done so since the Wanderers came to Canberra, now
might be a good time to change your pillow case. Unwrap the present, so to speak.

Oh dear.
Udon

==================================================
Wazza:

I smell a rat.

hey, I'm also missing my excellent sandshoes: you didn't put them in his pillowcase either did you?

W
=============================
Kaze
>Kaze in for the weekend provided no double helpings of beans are used
>to entice me into a bit of tongue biting.
>
>p.s for future reference the Club pranks committee refers all members
>to the rule that no one is to give away the prank before it has a
>chance to fester and give Comrade a reason to move out. A bit of faith
>would be appreciated.
>
>Kaze.

=================================================
Wazza:
>Agreed....I have no knowledge of the prank, or in fact if it is real,
>as I definitely smell a rat, but Cam is completely right. I think El
>Don should be reprimanded severely for giving away a prank before it
>came due. Severely.
>
>W

==================================================
Don Juan:

>Gentlemen
>
>I must respond. I brought the prank to the attention of the prankee
>AFTER A PERIOD OF THREE WEEKS, which was essential for several reasons.
>
>Firstly, we could have lost our ISO14000 accreditation if we'd let
>that bag of beans rot any longer. There were enough viral issues
>associated with the bean soup when it was fresh, let alone after a 3
>week fermentation period inside Comrade's pillow.
>
>Secondly, I did not wish to cause grievous offence to our kind host in
>the capital. I've checked various international tomes on the laws of
>pranksdom, and - with the exception of Big Bill Clinton's epic, titled
>"Quick Monica, Hide Under the Desk" (which I note contains a pertinent
>foreward by Club Ladies Man Hankadona)- they all recommend that "any
>prank involving rotting food being placed within the sleeping confines
>of the prankee should be publicly revealed within two thirds of the
>half life of the food products involved, unless grievous offence is
>desired" (Oxford Prankster's Dictionary, 2002 update). Comrade does not
>deserve grievous offence for the fine hospitality he showed during "Le
>Tour du Wandereaux".
>
>I trust that the Club Pranks Committee, particularly its notable French
>president, will see the sense in this approach.
>
>Yours in steaming beans,
>Udon Juan Martinez Aarondo III
>
>

=================================================
Wazza:
>I repeat. SEVERELY Reprimanded.
>
>I suggest that if the Club Pranks Committee accepts such drivel, they
>should go back to the email clause 3.2.2 (amended). All Wanderers
>should cop it on the chin, whether fairly or unfairly copped. Any
>Wanderer found not copping it, should be SEVERELY reprimanded. It's
>there in (virtual) black and white. I can't see what the argument is
>about.
>
==================================================


The boffins at the Australian National University Sulfurous Bean Experimental Research Programme have been testing the bean soup sample in question, and have reached some rather startling conclusions. Apparently, following the three week fermentation process, the beans are actually safer for human consumption than when they were first served up during the Tour de Wandereaux. A senior researcher at ANUSBERP, Dr Orregio, claimed to have witnessed first hand the effects of the consumption of two doses of the original material, and declared it to be "potentially fatal" to anyone within a 10m radius of the subject. Apparently, the hydrogen sulfide gas gradually diffused out during the fermentation process, and the total sulfur content continues to decrease markedly. Quizzed as to whether she would consider consuming a portion of the soup, Dr Orregio replied she would wait at least another three months.

Dr Orregio is recommending further trials involving five-year old lima beans, dried chili and mouldy cabbage sourced from Pigweed Food Co-op.
Anyone interested in furthering this vital research is invited to visit the Sydney ANUSBERP laboratory in Hereward St, Maroubra.

Comrade.

VHR on the Clubs Women's POlicy

A thoughtful piece in the Herald today by Club Intellectual at Large, Hankadonna. Those malingerers who have accused our Womens' Policy Officer of lacking substance or a coherent policy platform will have to eat their

words.

Feel it's time to start a family? Go for broke By Hankadoona December 8, 2003

So Amanda Vanstone thinks Australia's birthrate is falling because today's parents are too materialistic.

"We are a very, very material nation and the current generation wants everything," she said last week, nominating overseas trips and private

school education as must-haves for today's parents.

What a joke. Everyone knows that such materialistic impulses make it much easier to pull the chicks. A fast car, a mansion in Coogee, and bang, another notch on the bedpost for any savvy poacher.

She suggests that the declining birthrate is women's fault. She says women think that "if we have fewer kids we can give the kids we have more in a material sense, which in my personal view is not necessarily the right way to go".

It seems that for a number of reasons, Senator Vanstone has missed the most fundamental reason for the declining birthrate * not enough lovin'
going on.

Well fellas, its time to draw a line in the sand. It time to get out there and root for your country. Remember at all times, that poachin'
ladies is
like poachin' goals. Hold your shape, build it up, and bang it away.

I can't help with the structure, but the Wanderer's new love album should provide help with the build up. Club musicologist Udon Juan is currently delving into Wanderer's archives, putting together an album to get the ladies in the mood. Hopefully, we'll have it on the shelves before New Year.

Far from being the avaricious materialistic types described by Vanstone, most of the 57 per cent of women who return to work before their children are aged two do so to help pay the mortgage and provide basic family necessities. Many such families simply can't afford to have more children.

But the important thing to remember is that if you get a lass drunk and

horny enough, she'll forget about this.

Current family policies favour single-income families, making life that much harder for mothers who work. Family benefits to single-income families are not income-tested, whereas double-income families start to lose theirs at a combined annual income of just $31,077. The one way to assure that your lady gets all the benefits is to make sure that she's a single mother. So don't overdo the post-goal celebrations: make sure you do a runner before dawn.

Professor Peter McDonald, from the Australian National University, has

endorsed this approach: " ... The largest payment that an Australian mother can obtain from government goes to those who leave the workforce at the

birth of their first child and never return."

Rabid feminist types have decried this as irresponsible, but we have a

crisis here. Not enough kids, not enough future Wanderers. Some goals can be pretty, others can be a forgettable goalmouth scramble, but they both count the same on the scoreboard.

Isn't that right, Senator Vanstone?

Whats That Smell

Comrade,

Thanks for keeping an eye on media affairs.

On a personal note, your cybersilence since our Capital visit has left me
uneasy, so I must ask you: have you any feedback to provide to the Club on
the exploits of Club Pranksters Cagey Le Coge and Camikaze? I believe a
present of sorts was left for you, in appreciation for the bean soup you
provided on our arrival in the Little Big Smoke?

Both Cagey and El Kaze have been heard muttering comments like "What's the
point in having a Club Pranks Committee if the committee's work goes
unrecognised?" and "We need Balbo back, he knows a good prank when he sees
one!".

Yours in rotting beans,
Udon

Don Juan on Moustaches

Wanderers,

My one motto for living on planet Earth is this:
Never trust a man with a moustache.

The new draft Womens Policy therefore raises a quandry for me. How can i
trust any of you, or trust even myself, if there's a swathe of facial hair
caught between flaring nostrils and stiff upper lips? I couldn't trust Van
Hankleroy to poach. I couldn't trust El Kaze to follow through with the
knee. I couldn't trust Da Playmaker to go backheel. You see what i'm getting
at here? These fundamentals of life at the South Coogee Wanderers, these
core values and essential playing experiences, would no longer be there.

I distribute these concerns as my contribution to the consultation on the
Draft Womens Policy. I share everyone's view that, when it comes to women
nobody knows 'em like Hankers knows 'em, and so i am hesitant to raise
doubts about his long-time-coming Womens Policy. However i feel dutybound
to put these concerns in writing for the Club's consideration.

As a footnote, the germans refer to moustaches as "porn beams". I don't know
whether that increases my concerns or allays them to some extent, but if
we're all to end up looking like David Seaman then i think perhaps it's the
former.

Yours free of a soup strainer [at least until the draft policy becomes
final],
Udon Juan Kim Aaron

Note from the sponsors: Udon Juan Aaron wears Armani and uses Gillette
blades for a closer, cleaner shave.

Mo Pledges

>Lads, tonight will also be your last chance to donate to the balbo mo
>cause.
>
>In case you were wondering what the cause was I have an attached an
>information sheet. You hard earned money will be going to keep poor
>little orphans off the street and out of the clutches of the likes of
>Shilin's organised tours and VHR late night snack raids.
>
>Pledges so far:
>Sandinista $10.
>
>Pledges very welcome....Disappointing from such an affluent club.
>
>Yours in raising funds,
>Sandinista

=================================================

I would like to up the ante. Balbo's moustache work must not go
unrecognised or unrewarded.
DJ's pledge: $20.
========================================

I would like to give this endeavour Vanhankelrooy's full endorsement by poaching DJ's ante with a $31 ($30 for project, plus $1 for Gus to buy a shaver to remove that monstrosity!)

Good stuff Club Sec.

(P.S. Must confess I'm a bit confused at the association of moustache wearing with orphanages!?)



Gentlemen

Remember, its what you leave on the field that counts. On more important matters, I'll also be available for selection this evening and it looks like an excellent turnout for the new summer season.

Also, and as noted in earlier club bulletins, the Ladies Auxiliary will be providing salads for tomorrows festive celebration, sing along and awards night - its up to us lads to BYO anything that you want to throw on the BBQ, and drinks - kickoff from 6:30pm onwards at the club house, 104 Mill Hill Rd, Bondi Junction 2022. Tel. 02 9386 9286, 0402 546 217.

El Prez

========================================================
Good work fellas. Thankyou very much. Sounds very promising especially Playmaker's fantastic effort.

Remember that you have to do what the Treasurer says otherwise you won't get paid this month, and the SCW funds will be redirected to Sandinista's drug habit. Let's try and keep him off the coke this month and give.

Yours trying to reconcile facial hair and helping street kiddies,

A. Balbo.
Club Secretary.

Moustache

Dear Punters.

As you may or may not know I have had the privilege of growing the second-ever Wanderers Moustache (the first being Kamikaze's notable recent
effort) over the past few weeks, in the name of charity. This mo has been documented in photos attached, however I must warn any Wanderers that may be sensitive in relation to facial hair, that they may be offended.





In return for the daily humiliation of having misplaced facial hair, I and around 15 of my moustached comrades here in Vientiane ask for financial recompense from those around us. Of this recompense, 100% is passed on to two notable charities.

To raise some further funds this year, calendars are being produced using photos of each punter and their moustache. To help fund the printing of the calendar, a special SCW-esque hit single is being produced. The original is the Band-Aid hit 'Do They Know Its Christmas', which has been retitled and re-lyriced into 'Feed The Backpackers' - see lyrics also attached... I have been retained to give consulting advice on how to murder songs that were originally bad anyway, which I think SCW Inc. has considerable experience in.

So go on, you know you want to, give some dosh to our Club Treasurer Sandinista at tonight's SCW fixture in the name of charity, and for the sake of my mo. Donations can be in any currency, though something hard is preferred. Sandinista has a copy of the info about the charities, and has promised to send the dosh over via our usual laundering channels, minus his usual cut.

Yours with groomed facial hair,

A. Balbo.
Club Secretary.
Club Moustachio.

Happy Birthdy El Presidente - El PResidente Responds

Dear teammates

I'm touched by these kind words and thoughts. Fear not Patron Saint - none of my deals with the devil have involved promises of eternal youth. I owe it to clean living, vegetarian meals, weekly training runs, servants and the first lady.

Unfortunately I am out of touch for tomorrows training run.. down in Melbourne discussing the possible opportunities with the introduction of
Workchoices(c) on the club's contractual obligations here in Australia. Who needs China now...

All the best
El Pres


Comrade:

El President,

On behalf on the manufacturers of the Snow Dome allow me to express heartfelt workers' solidarity to you on the occasion of entering your 8th decade. It seems only yesterday that you established feudal rule over South Coogee, spilling plenty of pommy backpacker blood in the process. I remember

you saying, as we took Wylie's Baths from a rag tag mob of Irish bricklayers, "Never look back lads." Those words have served me well.

May I also remind the Club Rebel and Patron Saint that any disrespectful use

of El Presidente's image, even one produced in violation of all known international labor and environmental standards, will result in the issuance of a one way ticket to Qinghai province.

Yours in Right Thought,
Comrade.

Happy Birthday el Presidente

Wanderati.

You’re the first to see our new limited edition ‘Happy Birthday El Presidente SCW™ Snow Dome™’. Our dome commemorates El Pres’ 26^th birthday in 1962 in Coogee Square Garden, when the young First Lady sang to the then junior politician.

While we are aware that it was in fact El Pres’ 70^th birthday last Sunday, its taken some time for Comrade’s operations in the Motherland to gear up for production. Comrade has personally apologised to El Pres for the delay, which I understand was due to difficulties finding plastic with the right toxicity to small children, to use for the dome.

Happy birthday El Pres from everyone at the club – as we know its one more year, one more vote.

Yours respectfully,

A. Balbo.

Club Secretary.

CRAPSPEWITUP:

>I really must add my quiet voice to the cacophony of cheers
>accompanying El Presidente's 70th Birthday celebrations. I continue to
>be amazed at how wonderfully healthy he looks every year, and marvel
>that he is still able to grace the field as primary striker as if he
>was still 22. As Club Rebel, I can't help wondering if someting
>sinister is underlying it, reminiscent of the Picture of Dorian Gray,
>but as Club Patron Saint I can only wonder and marvel at the miracle
>that is El Presidente.
>
>Oh, and I would also like to place my order for 20 of the exciting
>commemorative snow-domes. There are about 15 kids in my street that
>annoy me, and it will be good to have 5 in reserve when some more
>happen to come along.
>
>Wishing everyone all the best in this festive time and may the party
>continue all year.
>
>Wazzadonna CRAPS

SCW Severes Ties with Haliburton

Dear Wanderers,

It is with much regret that I will be relinquishing my role as SCW representative on the Halliburton board. I will however be maintaining contact with Dick and we have organised a get together at his ranch along with his new lawyer to discuss future SCW work assisting the US peace machine. He is obviousely already aware of our network of outstanding people and the range of experience that we can offer in difficult and sometimes hard to access regions......especially those of Van Hankelrooy.

Thankyou.

Cuts

2005/2006 Phantasy League Championship Winner is.....

Ok Fantasy League Pretenders,

Firstly may I say that in what may be the most long overdue award in football history, I hereby formally award Comrade his trophy for winning the SCW 2005-06 Fantasy League Football Championship (please see attached photo-shot from recent awards ceremony).















The overdue yet deserved award of this trophy is a self-imposed precondition for my next action which, in the interests of bringing some standards back into this once highly esteemed bastion of SCW Football-dom, is to announce that I am re-activating my membership of the SCW Fantasy League comp for the 2007-08 season.

Techonista - we are awaiting comp set-up.

Rest of you jokers - better start your research now.

Kick-off is next weekend.

Yours competitively,

Vanhankelrooy.

Wednesday Night Cup of Sorry

IN

Cardinal (Sorry Generation)

Sandinista (Income Generation)

VHR (Goals Generation)

Playmaker (Solar Generation)

Balbo (Paperwork in Triplicate Generation)

Asa (busy creating the next Generation)

Cuts (though not till 7.30)

GAME ON

OUT

Wazzadonna (Rebel Generation)

Shi Lin (Power Generation)

Don Juan (Coup Generation)

Buffalo (tried to think of something clever. oh well. going to have me some hits from the bong and go insane in the membrane with cypress hill at the enmore. puff puff choke choke splutter oh man thats good sh#t

Wazzadonna (Rebel Generation)

Shi Lin (Power Generation)

Don Juan (Coup Generation)

Buffalo (tried to think of something clever. oh well. going to have me some hits from the bong and go insane in the membrane with cypress hill at the enmore. puff puff choke choke splutter oh man thats good sh#t

Cardinals Tie

Jokers

Just above Minister Parkers right ear, my tie makes a high quality appearance on ABC news

Regards

Cardinals

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-10-27/parkers-portfolio-knowledge-brought-into-question/3604746?section=nsw

Lanky:

Such noble tie-work. Subtle, aligned. Time for the putsch

Balbo:

Nice work Cardinal. Its all about publicity, as much as it is all about creating chances on Wedensday nights, not goals. Is the tie a SCW blue, or a Man City blue? I couldn't quite tell from the soft focus they did to ensure you weren't identified.

Comrade:

Under a recent directive I've been working on, Cardinal's tie would have been pixelated out, although a case could be made that the tie was the most 'refined and inspiring' part of the story..

VHR:

Dead fish, koalas. Why weren't there more questions from the panel about that tie? Was it a Windsor, a Half-Windsor, or just a straight up Four-in-Hand?

PM:

Nuff said, Hankers. Feeding that line about logging protects koalas - perfect. How else do you raise such a minister's profile...

Comrade:

I only hope The Cardinal reminds the minister of Göbels maxim and gets her to repeat the message until it becomes popular wisdom. The debate will soon move on to 'does a nuclear blast improve biodiversity within a koala colony'.

Yours in awe,

Comrade

PM:
Modernise, Shilin. It's now fracking that improves biodiversity...

Cardinal:
Update: My tie has been asked to go to Europe immediately to appear at President Sarkozy and Kaiser Merkel’s media conferences.

Comrade:
Let's hope the tie joins Doktor Merkel on the Italian President's list of things that are "unf-ckable". Otherwise you might need to borrow Lanky's Bunga Bunga survival kit.

OUtreach Mission

When I was convocating at SCW's new outreach mission on the weekend, I was sure that I'd taken too many of the Cardinal's mushrooms from the back pew.

But now I see that it was real.. God isn't dead, God is red. DJ, your flock is growing..