Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 4
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 3
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8. 30th '50-50' tackle by El Kaze
9. 30th Donna swoons and passes out on the sidelines after catching
a whiff of Cagey's cologne
10. 30th time Belladonna takes a tumble
11. 30th questioning of the 'halfway rule' by pommy backpacker
12. 30th bet on outcome taken by SP bookie on sideline
13. 30th time Don Juan offers to provide 'meteorological information'to bookie
14. 30th time Dave McBride asks 'can I play lads?'
15. 30th time a Wanderer fails to get within 30m of goals when shooting
16. 30th shot in a row El Aarondo hits both uprights but doesn't score
17. 30th time El Muth is found alive in Schroedinger's Cat experiments
18. 30th time MY Sheila runs off with another Wanderer (boo hiss)
19. 30th Noesjirwanadonna backheel intercepted in front of goal (I propose that given this will happen within 5 minutes of starting the game, that multiple 30th events should be commemorated also)
20. 30th Bundaberg that is consumed (and disposed of thoughtfully)
21. 30th pass that goes to no-one
22. 30th player that Hankers beats
23. 30th offside call by EL Presidente
24. 30th Carrot extracted by Stozza
25. 30 successful tackles by Cagey
26. 30 emails required on any given wednesday to verify we have the numbers for a game
27. 30 degrees between the usual SCW shot on goal and the actual target
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 3
full outline of the implications of this and a referendum should be
held
before we willy-nilly go around changing things. I for one would like
to
know a few things:
- Are we simply going for a name change from Club Sec to Sec-Gen or is
there an implied change in role of powers.
- What are the financial implications? Are the salaries comparative
- Will the Club Organisational structure change
- Will there be a change in the function of the former Club-Sec's
duties
and if so who will be picking up those duties
- Is this a push for power by a Wanderer that we have not seen for a
number of years (part of 2003 and 2004) and who has grown delusions of
grandeur? Can anyone verify the 'bona-fide' of the Club-Sec?
- Does he have Malaria? Dengue Fever? Mekong river Fever? Gin and
tonic
epilepsy?
Until these issues are addressed and a referendum is held I urge all
Wanderers to use the appointed title Club-Sec.
And on and on with the 30 balls (15 players 2 each)
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8. 30th '50-50' tackle by El Kaze
9. 30th Donna swoons and passes out on the sidelines after catching a
whiff of Cagey's cologne
10. 30th time Belladonna takes a tumble
11. 30th questioning of the 'halfway rule' by pommy backpacker
12. 30th bet on outcome taken by SP bookie on sideline
13. 30th time Don Juan offers to provide 'meteorological information'
to
bookie
14. 30th time Dave McBride asks 'can I play lads?'
15. 30th time a Wanderer fails to get within 30m of goals when
shooting
16. 30th shot in a row El Aarondo hits both uprights but doesn't score
17. 30th time El Muth is found alive in Schroedinger's Cat experiments
18. 30th time MY Sheila runs off with another Wanderer (boo hiss)
19. 30th Noesjirwanadonna backheel intercepted in front of goal (I
propose that given this will happen within 5 minutes of starting the
game, that multiple 30th events should be commemorated also)
20. 30th Bundaberg that is consumed (and disposed of thoughtfully)
21. 30th pass that goes to no-one
22. 30th player that Hankers beats
23. 30th offside call by EL Presidente
24. 30th Carrot extracted by Stozza
25. 30 successful tackles by Cagey
27.
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 2
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8. 30th '50-50' tackle by El Kaze
9. 30th Donna swoons and passes out on the sidelines after catching a
whiff of Cagey's cologne
10. 30th time Belladonna takes a tumble
11. 30th questioning of the 'halfway rule' by pommy backpacker
12. 30th bet on outcome taken by SP bookie on sideline
13. 30th time Don Juan offers to provide 'meteorological information'
to
bookie
14. 30th time Dave McBride asks 'can I play lads?'
Comrades, to the barricades, only 16 to go...
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 1
always be in Title Case, for best practice of course). Or should I call
you Old Man?
I can think of a few landmarks we can use tomorrow to dedicate to
your illustrious day:
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8.
Can we come up with 30 dedications for SCW-SG Balbo? Is he just
too old?
ABEL COMPOSES SWEET MUSIC FOR THE WANDERERS
Returned Club Secretary Abel Balbo was in a poetic mood this morning as he prepared for tonight's I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-A-Testimonial with a few light stretches in the garden of his north shore villa. "My team is like an orchestra. To play the symphony correctly I need some of the boom boom boom, but I also need some tweet and sometimes the tweet and boom go well together. Sometimes all you can hear is the boom, sometimes only the tweet. That is not good music" he said. When asked whether he intended to play with or against Van Hankelroy, he went on "Van Hankelroy is a tweet, and sometimes you need a tweet to win games, and sometimes you don't. I'll make my decision closer to kick off".
Balbo, looking tanned and relaxed in his parachute tracksuit and flip flops, has spent all morning on the telephone with well wishers, many of whom have been waiting on Balbo's 1900 CLUBSEC premium phone line for up to three hours. "It brings a tear to the eye, it really does. I play the game 'cos I love it, mate, but all these people, they just love me".
Wanderer heavyweights are reportedly clambering out of the closet for tonight's highly anticipated fixture. While regulars Sandinista and El Aarondo are definite starters, Club Myth El Muth suggested even he may make a rare appearance, although it's unsure whether he meant he would appear for the game or whether Wanderers will find him waiting at the post-match restaurant.
When asked where, exactly, he expected the game to be, El Aarondo replied curtly "Tum Thai Stadium you fckwit. Look, these blow-ins that prance around Asia for a while then come back and start dictating the venue for big games, they can get fcked. Unless Balbo's picked up night vision wear from some Vientianne market even he won't see his way through the darkness at Ronald McWanderer Stadium." El Aarondo is obviously still feeling plucky after early sales figures for the "I Can't Believe It's Not A Testimonial" merchandise suggest this event could be the biggest financial windfall in the Club's history.
Ticketing agencies have reported severe shortages for tonight's game, so - in the words of Club Media Whore Camikaze - "smoke 'em if you got 'em".
Cageys Cat Part Finale
Indeed these are strange times when an epitemological discussion of my existence can find me under Warwick's desk. Although I'm not quite sure what I'm doing there, suffice it to say that the implications are not good.
Tonight there is a very high probability of me appearing but, like Abel, I am unsure of the location. Yet I might add, there is a higher certainty of my appearance if the game is played at Rino's Daylight Saving Stadium. Of course, given my transitory nature, I am hardly in a position to dictate location. Over to you punters...
El Muth, here, now.
Cageys Cat Part 4
I feel that perhaps the club needs to relinquish its grip on pure determinism as it relates to SCW matches, as we all know that physicists abandoned classical determinism in favour of a probabilistic approach to the natural world sometime last century. Perhaps this would help in reaching some satisfactory ends to current debate within the club.
I would argue that El Muth’s movements (trajectory to be more precise) are necessarily imprecise; and that El Muths very existence is alternately concentrated and diffuse; and that the most meticulous experiment such as the one recently carried out by Club Professor Udon at the SCW Lab inevitably distorts the phenomenon, ie. El Muth, being studied.
The failure of determinism is summarized in the uncertainty principle of Werner van Hankelrooy. He demonstrated that certain pairs of variables such as those seen in El Muth cannot be measured or controlled with arbitrarily high accuracy. Our most important physical example involves the position and the momentum of El Muth on Wednesday nights. The more precisely one determines the El Muths's position, the less precisely can one determine his momentum, be it physical or mental momentum. A forecast of El Muths trajectory is therefore subject to an unavoidable inaccuracy.
This is not helped by inaccurate reporting of results as shown last week by Wazzadonna. Wazza also told me yesterday he saw Elvis and Cliff Young sharing a cinnamon donut at Lidcombe Station yesterday, so I am not totally convinced of his circumstantial evidence of the presence/ existence/trajectory of El Muth under his desk at that arbitrary point in time last week.
The van Hankelrooy principle implies that scientific conclusions must be probabilistic, not deterministic. Being a purely scientific club, lets put our bunsen burners down for a while and perhaps more probabilistic in our approach.
I am expecting my trajectory to be at Ronald McDonald stadium (where I presume the chemicals are mixed these summer days) at 6:30 tomorrow evening. Perhaps someone could patch a call through to me at 0407 144 589 if this is not the intended trajectory of other probable Wanderers.
Yours Epistemologically,
A. Balbo
Rocket Science Officer.
Cageys Cat Part 3
St Martins Tower, 31 Market Street
No sign of Murray on level 8. Will check the ground level in a minute.
Bam:
El Muth not present....
Has anyone thought to check all known eating houses (as for the spiritual sustenance this may be more difficult)....
PM:
Probably not here either
Comrade:
It took a while to knock on all the doors at ANU, but once again, we have a negative finding.
VHR:
Cagey's Cat Part 2
Coordinates on Earth
25°12' S, 135°56' E
Earth Coordinates within Universe Unknown.
Boffinista.
Cagey's Cat
Wanderer physicists,
The way to resolve Murray's Dilemna as to his existence or not, along with
that of S's cat, is for one of us to make a measurement. One of us needs to
look in on Muz and observe whether or not he is alive and where we think he
is.
To start this process, I made several observations last night between 6.40pm
and 9pm at Tum Thai Stadium. Based on my observations, which were
standardised to World Research Organisation methods, I am reasonably certain
that Muz was NOT at Tum Thai Stadium. But the universe is infinitely large,
so I cannot locate his being simply by ruling out a single set of locational
coordinates. I must simultaneously make an infinite set of measurements
across all coordinates in the universe, down to the sub-atomic level, before
i can conclude whether he is here or there. This assumes, obviously, that he
is within the universe I speak of; if he is not, I suggest we cease all
communication with him now because he ain't ever going to show for the
Wanderers.
I propose a pilot project, to help identify whether or not Muz is alive and
can be locationally pinpointed. At exactly 1200 EDST today, I request all
Wanderers to observe whether or not Muz is within their vicinity. I'll
compile your individual reports and assess the results in the SCW lab. If
the pilot is successful, we may wish to promote an expansion of the study to
all inhabitants of the universe.
Yours quantumly,
Bombus Terrestris
schrodingers cat
Punters
I've been worrying for some time about the meaning of football, and
although my dilema is by no means resolved, i've decided to end
speculation with some empirical research. this means i'll turn up for at
least one game in the near future, the actual date to be determined by
monte carlo simulation.
as to my physical whereabouts at any one given time, i must admit i'm as
uncertain, yet as boxed in, as schrodingers cat.
as far as i know, i'm still alive.
El Muth, the man masked by probability
Cagey Asks the Big Questions - Stoffaduka Replies
I am happy to confirm that I have very much alive, despite rumours to
the contrary. The deep pain of being unable to appear for the Wanderers
on Wednesday nights has rendered me incapable of participating in the
regular email banter. Various Rugby World Cup, PhD and work engagements
have exacerbated this pain.
Despite a strong lobbying campaign on my part, I was unable to convince
Bruvvers FC to join a non-Wednesday competition, and I couldn't leave
the struggling club to battle relegation without my midfield
exuberance. We went down 3-1 in a tough encounter last night - we had
no reserves, they had two, and yours truly was struggling not to throw
up towards the end of the game. Nevertheless, I was responsible for our
goal - my long distance strike glancing off the back of their sweeper
and finding the corner of the net. This leaves us with a draw and a
loss from our first two games, a better start than last comp at least,
where we eventually finished 6th (out of 8).
Hope all is well at SCW and all are continuing to fill their respective
roles with aplomb.
Cheers, Stoffaduka (Sister Club Correspondent)
Cagey Asks the Big Questions
We have a confirmed 6. Usual suspects, all of them (apart from the club
rebel, who should be labelled a most unusual suspect).
The big questions remain:
- did Camikaze again miss out on selection for the Wanderers for
failing to
attend a compulsory spelling test (the answer to which is, of course,
S-C-W), or will he make a surprise appearance sporting some facial
hair phenomena picked up on the Apple Isle?
- is El Presidente intending to continue his rich vein of form
tonight with the Wanderers or is his flash-in-the-pan season over before it began?
- is Playmaker intending to bring out the backheel, or has he gone
underground in some Defence bunker backwater for the evening?
- is Van Hankelroy back on deck after a tough week with the SCW
Ladies, or is he still tied to a headboard dressed in little pieces of
carefully placed leather?
- is El Muth the man of discourse (from the Greek, meaning Football
Pitch) that he profers to be, or is he insubstantiated by his philosophical
meanderings and so unable to field a physical presence at Tum Thai
Stadium
No. 2?
- is Stoffa even alive?
and
- will the ghosts of Wanderers Past be there to trip us up when
we're clear on goal?
The only to find out is to turn up tonight. See you there.
I. Martinez
Heavy Turntable Operator
Cagey and the Wednesday Blues (complete with CanCandancers)...not to be missed performance
no announcement yet for this evening game ? does it
mean a potential cancellation ? I'll be there with a
slight cold. W promised to play despite a recent food
poisoning. Any other sick players ?
- denis lecoge
- w
======================================
Wazza:
Case of food poisoning revealed to be flu apparently...I'll have no
energy, no skill, no enthusiasm, no glory and no luck, but I will have
presence (not of mind but body).
So, to see Cagey perform (I have no interest in the Can Can dancers at
all, honest Pip) I will turn up, even if it kills me.
So, lads, big night tonight as a practice run for Balbo's return next
week...
Wazza the reformed (no longer
CRAPSPEWITUPYASSORELSEWHEREJUSTPLAINCRAPS)
1. Cagey
2. Wazza the Reformed (finally)
3. Sandinista (far right extremist)
4. Ice martinez, dj
5. Storrierienko (ambulance driver)
6. Count Liamov
On the bench
1. Shilin (Canberra cult)
2. Bam Bam (general traitor)
3. Balbo (Vientiane Viking)
A Note from Your Secretary General
I apologise for being out of contact for a little while. I have, however
been monitoring my email and been appropriately entertained by
content and slag-offs.
I have also been participating in a few benchmarking projects whilst here, and one of my findings has been that all of the medium size bureaucratic organization here have a 'Secretary-General' rather than just a 'Secretary'. I therefore request that my title be altered to 'Secretary-General' in the interests of best practice and allowing me to serve the club in the best possible way. This would in no way affect the existing power structures dominated by President Iainamoto and
Chairman Comrade.
In another investigation, it appears that our popular website has been taken off the e-waves in what I can only think of as deliberate censorship of the club. This may be due to the Club's unwavering refusal to rename Tum Thai Stadium to 'Telstra Stadium' for a couple of grand. I therefore >propose a boycott of all Telstra products and services, and ask SCW Webjockey to investigate. The fact that no-one has noticed our apparent e-death is also interesting ? does that suggest that not many people visit our site?
May I also add that this Wednesday is my 30th birthday, so I would appreciate it if our coming Wednesday fixture could somehow incorporate this as a theme. Perhaps it could be first to 30 before the match finishes, or even that Hanker's 30th goal is dedicated to me. If you agree, I will
sit by my SCW shrine on the verandah with a gin & tonic at 2:30pm as you are kicking off, so that I am in solidarity with you, my national cadres.
As a general invitation, we've now got cable TV at our house here, so anyone who wants to come over to watch Euro 2004 here is most welcome.
Plus there's four hours difference from Coogee so the games will be on at a more reasonable time. There's not much else to do here though. Apart from beers on the Mekong of which I have partaken at your request, Storrierenko.
Yours from the newsdesk,
A. Balbo.
Secretary-General-elect
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Special Request from The Wanderers
Dear Soccer Wife,
I write to you on behalf of the South Coogee Wanderers Executive, Players
Association, affiliates and subsidiary organisations with a special request
relating to your soccer husband and patron saint, Wazzadona.
As you will be aware from the recent TV advertising campaign organised by
Club Secretary Abel Balbo, the Wanderers are about to record and release
their second full length album, the much anticipated Love Album. I know you
were one of the biggest supporters of our recording debut, the Summer Album,
and therefore will appreciate the significance of this project.
It is in relation to the Love Album that I write to you today. I am seeking
your leave to grant Wazzadona an evening away from his chores, so that he
can lead the Club in song this wednesday evening at the SCW studios in
Clovelly. Wazza's musical influence was great on the Summer Album, and
indeed many industry critics suggested the album would never have gone
platinum without his vocal leadership. If you've ever heard the raw voices
of Sandinista, Comrade Shilin and Cagey in disharmony I'm sure you will
agree.
I understand Wazza has homely duties and make clear that I would not be
asking such a favour from you if this were not important to the Club. After
all, the South Coogee Wanderers is a family club, promoting family values.
We would never openly endorse an attendance policy that robbed families of
their familyness, that robbed wives of their husbands or children of their
fathers*. You will recall, perhaps, recent initiatives taken by the SCW
Executive to get Wazza to curb his off-field excesses, which came about
after your representatives approached the Club seeking help. Despite the
fact that Wazza's performance on the field - while still reasonable - seems
to have suffered somewhat as a result, the Club has maintained it's hardline
stance on female fans and continues to impose a curfew on players during
travel away from our home territory of South Coogee.
As you are no doubt familiar with the Club's Women's Policy I won't quote
you tomes from that work, except to say that it too recognises the
importance of family in this Club (for instance, the importance of family
members being the right shape - see the "No Fat Chicks" section of the
policy). If you do have any questions about the Womens Policy please
contact Mark Van Hankelroy.
I therefore ask, on behalf of this otherwise cacophonous Club, that you
allow Wazzadona to attend the recording this wednesday and save the Love
Album from the bargain basement bins at HMV. In return, Wazza will take on
two additional evenings of family responsibilities** to allow you to relax
how you wish, and will also bring you a bunch of flowers from the South
Coogee Wanderers Growers Association market garden.
Your generosity in assisting the Club is anticipated and much appreciated.
Yours sincerely
Don Juan Aaron
Club DJ
For and on behalf of the South Coogee Wanderers
* excepting for games of football and recording of albums.
** any evening except any wednesday
Whats That Smell Part 2
Beans? What beans? If you want more, I can have them couriered up to
the EPA. The latest batch has been in the fridge for a week or so, so you
might have to fiddle with the office emission standards.
===============================
Don Juan:
Ah Shi Lin,
It's not the latest version of your now-famous "bean surprise" that i was referring to. The original batch is of far more concern.
If you haven't done so since the Wanderers came to Canberra, now
might be a good time to change your pillow case. Unwrap the present, so to speak.
Oh dear.
Udon
==================================================
Wazza:
I smell a rat.
hey, I'm also missing my excellent sandshoes: you didn't put them in his pillowcase either did you?
W
=============================
Kaze
>Kaze in for the weekend provided no double helpings of beans are used
>to entice me into a bit of tongue biting.
>
>p.s for future reference the Club pranks committee refers all members
>to the rule that no one is to give away the prank before it has a
>chance to fester and give Comrade a reason to move out. A bit of faith
>would be appreciated.
>
>Kaze.
=================================================
Wazza:
>Agreed....I have no knowledge of the prank, or in fact if it is real,
>as I definitely smell a rat, but Cam is completely right. I think El
>Don should be reprimanded severely for giving away a prank before it
>came due. Severely.
>
>W
==================================================
Don Juan:
>Gentlemen
>
>I must respond. I brought the prank to the attention of the prankee
>AFTER A PERIOD OF THREE WEEKS, which was essential for several reasons.
>
>Firstly, we could have lost our ISO14000 accreditation if we'd let
>that bag of beans rot any longer. There were enough viral issues
>associated with the bean soup when it was fresh, let alone after a 3
>week fermentation period inside Comrade's pillow.
>
>Secondly, I did not wish to cause grievous offence to our kind host in
>the capital. I've checked various international tomes on the laws of
>pranksdom, and - with the exception of Big Bill Clinton's epic, titled
>"Quick Monica, Hide Under the Desk" (which I note contains a pertinent
>foreward by Club Ladies Man Hankadona)- they all recommend that "any
>prank involving rotting food being placed within the sleeping confines
>of the prankee should be publicly revealed within two thirds of the
>half life of the food products involved, unless grievous offence is
>desired" (Oxford Prankster's Dictionary, 2002 update). Comrade does not
>deserve grievous offence for the fine hospitality he showed during "Le
>Tour du Wandereaux".
>
>I trust that the Club Pranks Committee, particularly its notable French
>president, will see the sense in this approach.
>
>Yours in steaming beans,
>Udon Juan Martinez Aarondo III
>
>
=================================================
Wazza:
>I repeat. SEVERELY Reprimanded.
>
>I suggest that if the Club Pranks Committee accepts such drivel, they
>should go back to the email clause 3.2.2 (amended). All Wanderers
>should cop it on the chin, whether fairly or unfairly copped. Any
>Wanderer found not copping it, should be SEVERELY reprimanded. It's
>there in (virtual) black and white. I can't see what the argument is
>about.
>
==================================================
The boffins at the Australian National University Sulfurous Bean Experimental Research Programme have been testing the bean soup sample in question, and have reached some rather startling conclusions. Apparently, following the three week fermentation process, the beans are actually safer for human consumption than when they were first served up during the Tour de Wandereaux. A senior researcher at ANUSBERP, Dr Orregio, claimed to have witnessed first hand the effects of the consumption of two doses of the original material, and declared it to be "potentially fatal" to anyone within a 10m radius of the subject. Apparently, the hydrogen sulfide gas gradually diffused out during the fermentation process, and the total sulfur content continues to decrease markedly. Quizzed as to whether she would consider consuming a portion of the soup, Dr Orregio replied she would wait at least another three months.
Dr Orregio is recommending further trials involving five-year old lima beans, dried chili and mouldy cabbage sourced from Pigweed Food Co-op.
Anyone interested in furthering this vital research is invited to visit the Sydney ANUSBERP laboratory in Hereward St, Maroubra.
Comrade.
VHR on the Clubs Women's POlicy
words.
Feel it's time to start a family? Go for broke By Hankadoona December 8, 2003
So Amanda Vanstone thinks Australia's birthrate is falling because today's parents are too materialistic.
"We are a very, very material nation and the current generation wants everything," she said last week, nominating overseas trips and private
school education as must-haves for today's parents.
What a joke. Everyone knows that such materialistic impulses make it much easier to pull the chicks. A fast car, a mansion in Coogee, and bang, another notch on the bedpost for any savvy poacher.
She suggests that the declining birthrate is women's fault. She says women think that "if we have fewer kids we can give the kids we have more in a material sense, which in my personal view is not necessarily the right way to go".
It seems that for a number of reasons, Senator Vanstone has missed the most fundamental reason for the declining birthrate * not enough lovin'
going on.
Well fellas, its time to draw a line in the sand. It time to get out there and root for your country. Remember at all times, that poachin'
ladies is
like poachin' goals. Hold your shape, build it up, and bang it away.
I can't help with the structure, but the Wanderer's new love album should provide help with the build up. Club musicologist Udon Juan is currently delving into Wanderer's archives, putting together an album to get the ladies in the mood. Hopefully, we'll have it on the shelves before New Year.
Far from being the avaricious materialistic types described by Vanstone, most of the 57 per cent of women who return to work before their children are aged two do so to help pay the mortgage and provide basic family necessities. Many such families simply can't afford to have more children.
But the important thing to remember is that if you get a lass drunk and
horny enough, she'll forget about this.
Current family policies favour single-income families, making life that much harder for mothers who work. Family benefits to single-income families are not income-tested, whereas double-income families start to lose theirs at a combined annual income of just $31,077. The one way to assure that your lady gets all the benefits is to make sure that she's a single mother. So don't overdo the post-goal celebrations: make sure you do a runner before dawn.
Professor Peter McDonald, from the Australian National University, has
endorsed this approach: " ... The largest payment that an Australian mother can obtain from government goes to those who leave the workforce at the
birth of their first child and never return."
Rabid feminist types have decried this as irresponsible, but we have a
crisis here. Not enough kids, not enough future Wanderers. Some goals can be pretty, others can be a forgettable goalmouth scramble, but they both count the same on the scoreboard.
Isn't that right, Senator Vanstone?
Whats That Smell
Comrade,
Thanks for keeping an eye on media affairs.
On a personal note, your cybersilence since our Capital visit has left me
uneasy, so I must ask you: have you any feedback to provide to the Club on
the exploits of Club Pranksters Cagey Le Coge and Camikaze? I believe a
present of sorts was left for you, in appreciation for the bean soup you
provided on our arrival in the Little Big Smoke?
Both Cagey and El Kaze have been heard muttering comments like "What's the
point in having a Club Pranks Committee if the committee's work goes
unrecognised?" and "We need Balbo back, he knows a good prank when he sees
one!".
Yours in rotting beans,
Udon
Don Juan on Moustaches
Wanderers,
My one motto for living on planet Earth is this:
Never trust a man with a moustache.
The new draft Womens Policy therefore raises a quandry for me. How can i
trust any of you, or trust even myself, if there's a swathe of facial hair
caught between flaring nostrils and stiff upper lips? I couldn't trust Van
Hankleroy to poach. I couldn't trust El Kaze to follow through with the
knee. I couldn't trust Da Playmaker to go backheel. You see what i'm getting
at here? These fundamentals of life at the South Coogee Wanderers, these
core values and essential playing experiences, would no longer be there.
I distribute these concerns as my contribution to the consultation on the
Draft Womens Policy. I share everyone's view that, when it comes to women
nobody knows 'em like Hankers knows 'em, and so i am hesitant to raise
doubts about his long-time-coming Womens Policy. However i feel dutybound
to put these concerns in writing for the Club's consideration.
As a footnote, the germans refer to moustaches as "porn beams". I don't know
whether that increases my concerns or allays them to some extent, but if
we're all to end up looking like David Seaman then i think perhaps it's the
former.
Yours free of a soup strainer [at least until the draft policy becomes
final],
Udon Juan Kim Aaron
Note from the sponsors: Udon Juan Aaron wears Armani and uses Gillette
blades for a closer, cleaner shave.
Mo Pledges
>cause.
>
>In case you were wondering what the cause was I have an attached an
>information sheet. You hard earned money will be going to keep poor
>little orphans off the street and out of the clutches of the likes of
>Shilin's organised tours and VHR late night snack raids.
>
>Pledges so far:
>Sandinista $10.
>
>Pledges very welcome....Disappointing from such an affluent club.
>
>Yours in raising funds,
>Sandinista
=================================================
I would like to up the ante. Balbo's moustache work must not go
unrecognised or unrewarded.
DJ's pledge: $20.
========================================
I would like to give this endeavour Vanhankelrooy's full endorsement by poaching DJ's ante with a $31 ($30 for project, plus $1 for Gus to buy a shaver to remove that monstrosity!)
Good stuff Club Sec.
(P.S. Must confess I'm a bit confused at the association of moustache wearing with orphanages!?)
Gentlemen
Remember, its what you leave on the field that counts. On more important matters, I'll also be available for selection this evening and it looks like an excellent turnout for the new summer season.
Also, and as noted in earlier club bulletins, the Ladies Auxiliary will be providing salads for tomorrows festive celebration, sing along and awards night - its up to us lads to BYO anything that you want to throw on the BBQ, and drinks - kickoff from 6:30pm onwards at the club house, 104 Mill Hill Rd, Bondi Junction 2022. Tel. 02 9386 9286, 0402 546 217.
El Prez
========================================================
Good work fellas. Thankyou very much. Sounds very promising especially Playmaker's fantastic effort.
Remember that you have to do what the Treasurer says otherwise you won't get paid this month, and the SCW funds will be redirected to Sandinista's drug habit. Let's try and keep him off the coke this month and give.
Yours trying to reconcile facial hair and helping street kiddies,
A. Balbo.
Club Secretary.
Moustache
As you may or may not know I have had the privilege of growing the second-ever Wanderers Moustache (the first being Kamikaze's notable recent
effort) over the past few weeks, in the name of charity. This mo has been documented in photos attached, however I must warn any Wanderers that may be sensitive in relation to facial hair, that they may be offended.
In return for the daily humiliation of having misplaced facial hair, I and around 15 of my moustached comrades here in Vientiane ask for financial recompense from those around us. Of this recompense, 100% is passed on to two notable charities.
To raise some further funds this year, calendars are being produced using photos of each punter and their moustache. To help fund the printing of the calendar, a special SCW-esque hit single is being produced. The original is the Band-Aid hit 'Do They Know Its Christmas', which has been retitled and re-lyriced into 'Feed The Backpackers' - see lyrics also attached... I have been retained to give consulting advice on how to murder songs that were originally bad anyway, which I think SCW Inc. has considerable experience in.
So go on, you know you want to, give some dosh to our Club Treasurer Sandinista at tonight's SCW fixture in the name of charity, and for the sake of my mo. Donations can be in any currency, though something hard is preferred. Sandinista has a copy of the info about the charities, and has promised to send the dosh over via our usual laundering channels, minus his usual cut.
Yours with groomed facial hair,
A. Balbo.
Club Secretary.
Club Moustachio.
Happy Birthdy El Presidente - El PResidente Responds
I'm touched by these kind words and thoughts. Fear not Patron Saint - none of my deals with the devil have involved promises of eternal youth. I owe it to clean living, vegetarian meals, weekly training runs, servants and the first lady.
Unfortunately I am out of touch for tomorrows training run.. down in Melbourne discussing the possible opportunities with the introduction of
Workchoices(c) on the club's contractual obligations here in Australia. Who needs China now...
All the best
El Pres
Comrade:
El President,
On behalf on the manufacturers of the Snow Dome allow me to express heartfelt workers' solidarity to you on the occasion of entering your 8th decade. It seems only yesterday that you established feudal rule over South Coogee, spilling plenty of pommy backpacker blood in the process. I remember
you saying, as we took Wylie's Baths from a rag tag mob of Irish bricklayers, "Never look back lads." Those words have served me well.
May I also remind the Club Rebel and Patron Saint that any disrespectful use
of El Presidente's image, even one produced in violation of all known international labor and environmental standards, will result in the issuance of a one way ticket to Qinghai province.
Yours in Right Thought,
Comrade.
Happy Birthday el Presidente
Wanderati.
You’re the first to see our new limited edition ‘Happy Birthday El Presidente SCW™ Snow Dome™’. Our dome commemorates El Pres’ 26th birthday in 1962 in Coogee Square Garden, when the young First Lady sang to the then junior politician.
While we are aware that it was in fact El Pres’ 70th birthday last Sunday, its taken some time for Comrade’s operations in the Motherland to gear up for production. Comrade has personally apologised to El Pres for the delay, which I understand was due to difficulties finding plastic with the right toxicity to small children, to use for the dome.
Happy birthday El Pres from everyone at the club – as we know its one more year, one more vote.
Yours respectfully,
A. Balbo.
Club Secretary.
CRAPSPEWITUP:
>I really must add my quiet voice to the cacophony of cheers
>accompanying El Presidente's 70th Birthday celebrations. I continue to
>be amazed at how wonderfully healthy he looks every year, and marvel
>that he is still able to grace the field as primary striker as if he
>was still 22. As Club Rebel, I can't help wondering if someting
>sinister is underlying it, reminiscent of the Picture of Dorian Gray,
>but as Club Patron Saint I can only wonder and marvel at the miracle
>that is El Presidente.
>
>Oh, and I would also like to place my order for 20 of the exciting
>commemorative snow-domes. There are about 15 kids in my street that
>annoy me, and it will be good to have 5 in reserve when some more
>happen to come along.
>
>Wishing everyone all the best in this festive time and may the party
>continue all year.
>
>Wazzadonna CRAPS
SCW Severes Ties with Haliburton
It is with much regret that I will be relinquishing my role as SCW representative on the Halliburton board. I will however be maintaining contact with Dick and we have organised a get together at his ranch along with his new lawyer to discuss future SCW work assisting the US peace machine. He is obviousely already aware of our network of outstanding people and the range of experience that we can offer in difficult and sometimes hard to access regions......especially those of Van Hankelrooy.
Thankyou.
Cuts
2005/2006 Phantasy League Championship Winner is.....
Firstly may I say that in what may be the most long overdue award in football history, I hereby formally award Comrade his trophy for winning the SCW 2005-06 Fantasy League Football Championship (please see attached photo-shot from recent awards ceremony).
The overdue yet deserved award of this trophy is a self-imposed precondition for my next action which, in the interests of bringing some standards back into this once highly esteemed bastion of SCW Football-dom, is to announce that I am re-activating my membership of the SCW Fantasy League comp for the 2007-08 season.
Techonista - we are awaiting comp set-up.
Rest of you jokers - better start your research now.
Kick-off is next weekend.
Yours competitively,
Vanhankelrooy.
Wednesday Night Cup of Sorry
Cardinal (Sorry Generation)
Sandinista (Income Generation)
VHR (Goals Generation)
Playmaker (Solar Generation)
Balbo (Paperwork in Triplicate Generation)
Asa (busy creating the next Generation)
Cuts (though not till 7.30)
GAME ON
OUT
Wazzadonna (Rebel Generation)
Shi Lin (Power Generation)
Don Juan (Coup Generation)
Buffalo (tried to think of something clever. oh well. going to have me some hits from the bong and go insane in the membrane with cypress hill at the enmore. puff puff choke choke splutter oh man thats good sh#t
Wazzadonna (Rebel Generation)
Shi Lin (Power Generation)
Don Juan (Coup Generation)
Buffalo (tried to think of something clever. oh well. going to have me some hits from the bong and go insane in the membrane with cypress hill at the enmore. puff puff choke choke splutter oh man thats good sh#t
Cardinals Tie
Jokers
Just above Minister Parkers right ear, my tie makes a high quality appearance on ABC news
Regards
Cardinals
Lanky:
Such noble tie-work. Subtle, aligned. Time for the putsch
Balbo:
| Nice work Cardinal. Its all about publicity, as much as it is all about creating chances on Wedensday nights, not goals. Is the tie a SCW blue, or a Man City blue? I couldn't quite tell from the soft focus they did to ensure you weren't identified. |
Comrade:
Under a recent directive I've been working on, Cardinal's tie would have been pixelated out, although a case could be made that the tie was the most 'refined and inspiring' part of the story..
VHR:
PM:
Nuff said, Hankers. Feeding that line about logging protects koalas - perfect. How else do you raise such a minister's profile...
Comrade:
PM:
Modernise, Shilin. It's now fracking that improves biodiversity...
Cardinal:
Update: My tie has been asked to go to Europe immediately to appear at President Sarkozy and Kaiser Merkel’s media conferences.
Comrade:
Let's hope the tie joins Doktor Merkel on the Italian President's list of things that are "unf-ckable". Otherwise you might need to borrow Lanky's Bunga Bunga survival kit.
OUtreach Mission
Monday, October 24, 2011
Take it to the Westies
Beloved,
There may be some confusion about tomorrow's big game, so here's my attempt
at clearing it up before it muddies the proverbial waters beyond the pale.
Sandinista is the Club Geographical Expansion Officer. Under his recently
introduced "Take it to the Westies" program, Sandinista is proposing we play
tomorrow at a new venue (Prince Alfred Park, adjacent to central station)
and a new time (6pm).
This move will only go ahead if it is endorsed by a quorum of Wanderers.
Otherwise, it's game on at Tum Thai Stadium No.2.
The survey must go out then, clear and unambiguous:
Who will play tomorrow if there is a change of venue and time to the above
but not if we play at TTS2?
1. [insert name and rank here]
2. [insert name and rank here]
3. [insert name and rank here]
4. [insert name and rank here]
Who won't play if we change venues and times as above?
1. [insert name and rank here]
2. [insert name and rank here]
3. [insert name and rank here]
4. [insert name and rank here]
Who will play at either venue and time?
1. DJAarondo
2. Sandinista
3. Balbo
4. [insert name and rank here]
SCW Player Ratings
The sideshow cup is over, and as a few of you may know, Italy has won the right to play us in next year's Feast Day Final. As is the tradition, the South Coogee Bugle offers an assessment of the opposition, and speculates on possible match ups.
South Coogee Bugle
Wanderers v. Azzuri, a hopeless mismatch Dave McBride, staff reporter
The Azzuri may have overcome les bleux, but they had an average age of 83.8 and lacked key defenders Cagey le Coge and Francois Mitterand, and the Bugle believes they lack the class to compete mentally, physically and socially with South Coogee's finest.
Gianluigi Buffon: Deceived by Zidane from the spot but lived up to his reputation as the world's second best keeper with two good saves to deny Henry and another from Zidane. Will struggle to match it with Comrade Shilin in the cauldron that is Ronald MacDonald Stadium, due to weakness under the high ball and a shaky grasp of market socialism. 2.
Gianluca Zambrotta: Booked early on for a late challenge on Vieira. Kept France pegged back by pushing forward regularly and perfectly placed to intercept when Henry tried to set up Malouda. Will be shown up by his opposite man, Da Playmaker on one simple statistic – backheels. Zambrotta managed only two over the 120 minutes, while SCW’s Family Man is averaging
183.4 per game. 0.
Marco Materazzi: Nightmare start for former Everton man. Tried to pull out of tackle but still conceded a penalty, then came close to netting an own goal. Made amends with the equaliser and then slammed home a penalty. But what did he say to Zidane? Whatever dirty tricks he may claim, he will be pupil to a master who has long moved on from the nipple cripple, and now executes the squirrel grip with such lightning efficiency that even the fourth referee won’t pick it up. And Marco, it’s very, very dark in his cupboard. 6.
Fabio Cannavaro: Brilliant sliding tackle on Henry. Superb positional sense as always. Hardly put a foot wrong, but is a complete dud compared to Sandinista, who will not only direct the defence and bring the value of democracy into question, but is also expected to provide free technical advice to all five referees during the Feast Day Final. 8.
Fabio Grosso: Kept Franck Ribery under control for long periods and pushed forward as well. Took a deep breath and won the World Cup for Italy. But as cheating, diving mongrels go he’s but a poor man’s Chamot Hogan. And how many goals does he score from halfway? None. 10.
Simone Perrotta (off 61): First player from Ashton-under-Lyme to appear in a World Cup final since Geoff Hurst and did not make anywhere near the same impact. They won’t be subbing Davorinho off after 61 minutes, you loser. -5.
Andrea Pirlo: No real room to exhibit the full range of his passing but created havoc with a series of well-placed set pieces. Flashed a free-kick inches wide. Scored in shoot-out. But did he score afterwards? That’s a question they won’t need to ask any of the Wanderers, particularly Cutty, who’s just landed a sweet new deal to rebuild Iran after Uncle Dick’s next war. 8.
Gennaro Gattuso: Shaded an intense midfield battle with Vieira. Covered acres of ground and closed down numerous French attacks. Not the most eye-catching player but outstanding. Has modelled his game, wardrobe and hairstyle on SCW’s hack man, El Kaze, but still looks like a shabby facsimile of his idol. It’s called gutless, Gattuso. 1.
Mauro Camoranesi: Solid rather than spectacular. Switched flanks with Perrotta but less effective on the left and moved back again. His opposite number, Cardinal Storrienko, knows plenty about switches on flanks too, and with a large number of Hillsong altar boys ministering to his every whim, should have too much dogma and discipline for the overrated Argentinian showpony. 5.
Advertisement for Balbo's Dapper Dan Haircreme
Francesco Totti (off 61): Massive disappointment. Barely had a kick. We expect the same from CRAPS Wazzadonna. But with a lot more chat, and a good deal less pouting. And he peels a mean orange. But they might have to bring back Juan to capture the necessary gap between expectation and delivery. 2.
Luca Toni: Clear sight of goal blocked out by Thuram. Firm header against the bar and a goal ruled out for a marginal offside. The Wanderers look to have more options up front with the subtle, silky skills of El Pres, who manages a goal in every cup game. Expected to reach double figures against a leaky Italian back four. 5.1.
Daniele de Rossi (on 61): Back after his four-match ban but didn't make that much of an impact until he scored in the shoot-out. SCW’s Sedadine Sidane is serving a ten-match ban for failing to knock out Phil Neville with a headbutt that Camikaze described as ‘woefully soft’. He’s vowed to make amends on de Rossi’s rather empty noggin. 3.
Vincenzo Iaquinta (on 61): Provided extra pace to Italy's forward thrusts but little overall impact. Despite rumours of Viagra-assisted performances, the Wanderer’s prime poacher never misses with his forward thrusts, on or off the pitch. Just don’t ask him to take any corners. Or announce the winner of the FFL. Not that anyone is bitter about that. Oh no. 0.
Alessandro del Piero (on 87): No telling contribution from Italy's star man but kept his nerve in the shoot-out. By contrast, the Wanderer’s pretty boy is expected to showcase a new range of shirt tugging, time wasting, and leg breaking tricks. And he’ll be flogging the DVD of his exploits after the game. -3.
Cocky Pope
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SOUTH COOGEE—With Pope John Paul II's health in decline, there is speculation as to who will succeed him as the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Gregory Andres Rodriguez Storrienko announced Monday that he is more than ready to accept the challenges of the papacy.
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| Above: Storrienko, who is ready and willing to replace Pope John Paul II (below). |
"When the Sacred College of Cardinals names me pope, I'm gonna shake things up," Storrienko said. "And I'm not just talking about giving the Popemobile a new coat of paint. I'm talking about big moves that will reconfirm the Catholic Church's position as the supreme, full, and immediate power in the football world, may God grant us peace."
Storrienko, a charismatic cardinal from Tbilisi, Georgia, said he is "not afraid to do multiple stepovers of the stodgy rituals" of the Catholic Church.
"First thing, let's get the online theological tour done," Storrienko said. "We were slated to have Phase II complete in December 2003, but click on 'altar' or '4-4-2' and you still get nothing. Let's get our Wednesday Matches, Sunday Mass and special liturgical celebrations online, too. As pope, I want to touch as many people as I can, and streaming video is just the ticket for that."
Storrienko said he would like to upgrade the pope's public image by reviving the more formal title, The Supreme Pontiff.
"I'd like to re-establish that sense of respect for the high seat at the Holy See," Storrienko said. "We need to emphasize that I—assuming the inevitable happens—am in charge of the spiritual lives of more than one billion Catholics worldwide. It's mainly a public-relations thing—no big deal, God willing."
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Storrienko said he is also planning to farm out some of the "less Pope-y duties" after his election, to free up some of his time.
"Does the Pope really need to be the bishop of Maroubra?" Storrienko said. "I'll have enough on my plate already, so I'm pretty sure I'll have one of the other Wanderers take care of that. Also, I have some great changes I want to make to the Sacrosanctum Concilium of 1963. Nothing in the body or the message—just some gentle massaging to bring some of the wording up to date."
Many Vatican insiders have said that Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan is more likely to be named Pope John Paul II's successor, but Storrienko said he is confident there will be an upset.
"The Church already had 450 years of wog popes," Storrienko said. "After 27 refreshing years with a Polish pope, do you really think people are going to want to go back to wogs again? Just because the Vatican is in I-taly, that doesn't mean the pope's got to be wog. With so many Catholics in South America, the times call for a Latin man of God to don the miter. And that Latin man of God is going to be me, may He strengthen my faith with proofs."
Continued Storrienko: "I'm not saying Tettamanzi's not a good cardinal, but if you spent a couple minutes in the same room with him and me, I think you'd have a pretty good idea which one of us is better suited to be the Vicar of Jesus Christ and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church."
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| Above: Storrienko bounces some ideas off of a few of his undisclosed offspring. |
Storrienko said he would not change the things that people love most about the pope.
"The robes, the hat, the staff—all that benevolent-father stuff is going to stay," Storrienko said. "Hey, I'm not crazy. Also, the day-to-day operations of local churches in South Coogee will continue apace. So don't worry, Catholics. I've got your back."
Rumors have spread that, should he be installed as pope, Storrienko will effect a number of immediate changes, moving the Vatican from Rome to South Coogee, modernizing the doctrine of apostolic succession to be hereditary, banning the use of the 4-3-3 formation, pushing football conversions in remote regions where rugby league dominates, and streamlining the stations of the cross from 14 to 10.
"I don't want to comment on any of that," Storrienko said. "Those ideas came out of a brainstorming session and were all merely speculative. I will say, though, that if Vatican City is looking for some fresh, new ideas, I've got plenty."
Even though Storrienko has supporters, some say that his swagger is not what Catholics are looking for in God's representative on earth. Storrienko shrugged off such criticisms.
"I know what I want and I'm not afraid to go for it, may He direct my steps to Himself," Storrienko said. "It's like Pope Pius IX used to say: 'It's not the sin of pride if it's true.'"
Cardinal’s 10 Commandments:
1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange sports before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of Iainamoto thy President in vain.
3. Remember thou keep the Wednesday.
4. Honor thy Cardinal and thy Secretary.
5. Thou shalt not play rugby league.
6. Thou shalt console post-match despair with Donnas.
7. Thou shalt not steal, unless it is poor children’s goal nets.
8. Thou shalt not eat at asian food halls when thou lives in asia.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy Wanderer's wife.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy pass from Hankelrooy.
The Wanderers have spoken, the word is out – El Presidente Iainamoto is the biggest hero of ours. This, of course, was the correct answer.
What else?
Most of us started playing for SCW thanks to an El Presidente media appearance, and keep playing thanks to a perceived religious calling, or being bound by the watertight SCW contract. We are a majority bunch of wankers (though we didn’t need a survey to tell us that) who mostly, and shockingly, live overseas or even worse - west of Anzac Pde. There was a 50/50 split between those married to soccer wives and eligible bachelors, reflecting earlier heated debate within the club on this matter.
Happily we have a 100% satisfaction rate with current SCW management and direction, which seems to be a clear indication of a wide support base for Iainamoto, and an apparent mandate for his proposed restructuring that Kofi Annan seems to have copied, and his push to sell off 100% of the club in three messy installments. This must come as a shock for Club Rebel Crapspewitup, who did not attract even his own vote for his uphill battle against perceived wrongdoing at the pointy end of club affairs.
In terms of features that you would like to see improved or brought in, items with over 40% support included – VHR always playing in goals, SCW diplomatic passports and personalized supplies of cocaine after each fixture – all good choices. I have approved a requisition from Treasurer Sandinista to purchase necessary hardware, including personal mirrors, with immediate effect. A secondary vote was for longer studs rather than a ban on studs, which may be influenced by Cagey and his studs departing our shores. Our proposed finance for the purchase of 15 SCW motif Learjets will be put on hold, given a low support base for their use of only 39%. Perhaps this is reflective of Wanderer’s daily musings on the increasing price of Brent Crude. A muzzle for Wazzadonna was an early favorite, but perhaps due to some late campaigning by Wazza it did not get the required 40% support.
Bam Bam was voted the squeakiest clean, followed closely by Iainamoto, Garthinho, Sanfordinho, Cagey, Barista and Juanaldo. On the other end of the scale DJ Udon was clearly voted most likely to be Assistant Deputy Commissioner in the NSW Police force, with Camikaze rated as bordering on the backhander. Other notables voted grubby were myself (note unusual transparency), Comrade, Cardinal Storrienko, Ladies Man VHR and obviously Treasurer Sandinista.
All website features were voted very important, with the exception of real time SCW stock pricing, Presidential pet exclusives and promotion of the Bam Bam 1800 number. I guess your average Coogee punter knows about the 1800 service already, or it maybe an attempt to silence Bam Bam’s controversial views on immigration. These results are seen as a clear victory for VHR, as almost all of his Club Ideas-Man ideas gained popular support. He was very happy to hear the results when I phoned him in Delhi this morning, and said that those results were better than the work he had done on the bog last night, after a cheap dinner out on the town.
Some of the more creative answers to questions were:
· punters who stated that they first heard about the Wanderers via ‘Graffiti in the toilets at the Taxi Club’, or being ‘Signed up by Comrade the Red’.
· punters who play for, or are associated with, the Wanderers ‘in part to satisfy a request from ASIO and the Commonwealth Police’ - must be part of their bail conditions – or for ‘all of the above plus I like to score goals’. Not sure if he meant on the pitch or after the match. Another punter ‘loves getting in trouble with my Soccer Wife every time I have to do something with SCW.’
· punters listing overseas addresses were ‘my postal address is in the Caymans’, ‘Brisvegas’, ‘The Peoples Republic of Comrade’, and cheekily ‘Balmain’.
Some of the other suggestions for on and off pitch improvements were as follows:
· Nude Charity matches for wayward girls; Bigger boxes supplied to players; Less homosexuality/more heterosexual players; Under 18's junior girls cheer squad training camps; Increased media presence and merchandise (e.g. range of SCW sex toys); Meet the players evenings; SCW kiddies training days
· SCW Track-suits; SCW Flag Pole + Flag; Fully operational SCW club-house with extensive bar, pool, pool-bar, dancing girls etc etc; SCW Royal Commission into Corruption; SCW World Tour (II); SCW Oz Tour; SCW currency; SCW Cheer Squad etc etc; Pay rise for VHR – note that these have been considered, briefly, and denied by Iainamoto.
· Democracy, man.
· "Mo Only" Fridays.
· More parties where Wanderers stay up past 8.30pm.
· A little less talk, and a whole lot more walk.
Rest assured I will taking these results forward in a 2005-2010 SCW Action Plan, to be approved by Storrienko’s ISO9001 Quality Assurance Branch Sub-Committee - soon to be relocated to the Vatican.
Club President Iainamoto wishes to thank you all for your valuable feedback.
Yours with a mandate,
A. Balbo
Club Secretary