Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 4
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 3
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8. 30th '50-50' tackle by El Kaze
9. 30th Donna swoons and passes out on the sidelines after catching
a whiff of Cagey's cologne
10. 30th time Belladonna takes a tumble
11. 30th questioning of the 'halfway rule' by pommy backpacker
12. 30th bet on outcome taken by SP bookie on sideline
13. 30th time Don Juan offers to provide 'meteorological information'to bookie
14. 30th time Dave McBride asks 'can I play lads?'
15. 30th time a Wanderer fails to get within 30m of goals when shooting
16. 30th shot in a row El Aarondo hits both uprights but doesn't score
17. 30th time El Muth is found alive in Schroedinger's Cat experiments
18. 30th time MY Sheila runs off with another Wanderer (boo hiss)
19. 30th Noesjirwanadonna backheel intercepted in front of goal (I propose that given this will happen within 5 minutes of starting the game, that multiple 30th events should be commemorated also)
20. 30th Bundaberg that is consumed (and disposed of thoughtfully)
21. 30th pass that goes to no-one
22. 30th player that Hankers beats
23. 30th offside call by EL Presidente
24. 30th Carrot extracted by Stozza
25. 30 successful tackles by Cagey
26. 30 emails required on any given wednesday to verify we have the numbers for a game
27. 30 degrees between the usual SCW shot on goal and the actual target
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 3
full outline of the implications of this and a referendum should be
held
before we willy-nilly go around changing things. I for one would like
to
know a few things:
- Are we simply going for a name change from Club Sec to Sec-Gen or is
there an implied change in role of powers.
- What are the financial implications? Are the salaries comparative
- Will the Club Organisational structure change
- Will there be a change in the function of the former Club-Sec's
duties
and if so who will be picking up those duties
- Is this a push for power by a Wanderer that we have not seen for a
number of years (part of 2003 and 2004) and who has grown delusions of
grandeur? Can anyone verify the 'bona-fide' of the Club-Sec?
- Does he have Malaria? Dengue Fever? Mekong river Fever? Gin and
tonic
epilepsy?
Until these issues are addressed and a referendum is held I urge all
Wanderers to use the appointed title Club-Sec.
And on and on with the 30 balls (15 players 2 each)
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8. 30th '50-50' tackle by El Kaze
9. 30th Donna swoons and passes out on the sidelines after catching a
whiff of Cagey's cologne
10. 30th time Belladonna takes a tumble
11. 30th questioning of the 'halfway rule' by pommy backpacker
12. 30th bet on outcome taken by SP bookie on sideline
13. 30th time Don Juan offers to provide 'meteorological information'
to
bookie
14. 30th time Dave McBride asks 'can I play lads?'
15. 30th time a Wanderer fails to get within 30m of goals when
shooting
16. 30th shot in a row El Aarondo hits both uprights but doesn't score
17. 30th time El Muth is found alive in Schroedinger's Cat experiments
18. 30th time MY Sheila runs off with another Wanderer (boo hiss)
19. 30th Noesjirwanadonna backheel intercepted in front of goal (I
propose that given this will happen within 5 minutes of starting the
game, that multiple 30th events should be commemorated also)
20. 30th Bundaberg that is consumed (and disposed of thoughtfully)
21. 30th pass that goes to no-one
22. 30th player that Hankers beats
23. 30th offside call by EL Presidente
24. 30th Carrot extracted by Stozza
25. 30 successful tackles by Cagey
27.
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 2
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8. 30th '50-50' tackle by El Kaze
9. 30th Donna swoons and passes out on the sidelines after catching a
whiff of Cagey's cologne
10. 30th time Belladonna takes a tumble
11. 30th questioning of the 'halfway rule' by pommy backpacker
12. 30th bet on outcome taken by SP bookie on sideline
13. 30th time Don Juan offers to provide 'meteorological information'
to
bookie
14. 30th time Dave McBride asks 'can I play lads?'
Comrades, to the barricades, only 16 to go...
Club Sectretary Turns 30 Part 1
always be in Title Case, for best practice of course). Or should I call
you Old Man?
I can think of a few landmarks we can use tomorrow to dedicate to
your illustrious day:
1. 30th Goal,
2. 30th Blaze,
3. 30th Sledge,
4. First to 30 goals,
5. Hankers' 30th goal (sorry, stole that one from you),
6. 30th Yellow Card,
7. 30th minute that Wazza distracts his own defence with
conversation,
8.
Can we come up with 30 dedications for SCW-SG Balbo? Is he just
too old?
ABEL COMPOSES SWEET MUSIC FOR THE WANDERERS
Returned Club Secretary Abel Balbo was in a poetic mood this morning as he prepared for tonight's I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-A-Testimonial with a few light stretches in the garden of his north shore villa. "My team is like an orchestra. To play the symphony correctly I need some of the boom boom boom, but I also need some tweet and sometimes the tweet and boom go well together. Sometimes all you can hear is the boom, sometimes only the tweet. That is not good music" he said. When asked whether he intended to play with or against Van Hankelroy, he went on "Van Hankelroy is a tweet, and sometimes you need a tweet to win games, and sometimes you don't. I'll make my decision closer to kick off".
Balbo, looking tanned and relaxed in his parachute tracksuit and flip flops, has spent all morning on the telephone with well wishers, many of whom have been waiting on Balbo's 1900 CLUBSEC premium phone line for up to three hours. "It brings a tear to the eye, it really does. I play the game 'cos I love it, mate, but all these people, they just love me".
Wanderer heavyweights are reportedly clambering out of the closet for tonight's highly anticipated fixture. While regulars Sandinista and El Aarondo are definite starters, Club Myth El Muth suggested even he may make a rare appearance, although it's unsure whether he meant he would appear for the game or whether Wanderers will find him waiting at the post-match restaurant.
When asked where, exactly, he expected the game to be, El Aarondo replied curtly "Tum Thai Stadium you fckwit. Look, these blow-ins that prance around Asia for a while then come back and start dictating the venue for big games, they can get fcked. Unless Balbo's picked up night vision wear from some Vientianne market even he won't see his way through the darkness at Ronald McWanderer Stadium." El Aarondo is obviously still feeling plucky after early sales figures for the "I Can't Believe It's Not A Testimonial" merchandise suggest this event could be the biggest financial windfall in the Club's history.
Ticketing agencies have reported severe shortages for tonight's game, so - in the words of Club Media Whore Camikaze - "smoke 'em if you got 'em".
Cageys Cat Part Finale
Indeed these are strange times when an epitemological discussion of my existence can find me under Warwick's desk. Although I'm not quite sure what I'm doing there, suffice it to say that the implications are not good.
Tonight there is a very high probability of me appearing but, like Abel, I am unsure of the location. Yet I might add, there is a higher certainty of my appearance if the game is played at Rino's Daylight Saving Stadium. Of course, given my transitory nature, I am hardly in a position to dictate location. Over to you punters...
El Muth, here, now.
Cageys Cat Part 4
I feel that perhaps the club needs to relinquish its grip on pure determinism as it relates to SCW matches, as we all know that physicists abandoned classical determinism in favour of a probabilistic approach to the natural world sometime last century. Perhaps this would help in reaching some satisfactory ends to current debate within the club.
I would argue that El Muth’s movements (trajectory to be more precise) are necessarily imprecise; and that El Muths very existence is alternately concentrated and diffuse; and that the most meticulous experiment such as the one recently carried out by Club Professor Udon at the SCW Lab inevitably distorts the phenomenon, ie. El Muth, being studied.
The failure of determinism is summarized in the uncertainty principle of Werner van Hankelrooy. He demonstrated that certain pairs of variables such as those seen in El Muth cannot be measured or controlled with arbitrarily high accuracy. Our most important physical example involves the position and the momentum of El Muth on Wednesday nights. The more precisely one determines the El Muths's position, the less precisely can one determine his momentum, be it physical or mental momentum. A forecast of El Muths trajectory is therefore subject to an unavoidable inaccuracy.
This is not helped by inaccurate reporting of results as shown last week by Wazzadonna. Wazza also told me yesterday he saw Elvis and Cliff Young sharing a cinnamon donut at Lidcombe Station yesterday, so I am not totally convinced of his circumstantial evidence of the presence/ existence/trajectory of El Muth under his desk at that arbitrary point in time last week.
The van Hankelrooy principle implies that scientific conclusions must be probabilistic, not deterministic. Being a purely scientific club, lets put our bunsen burners down for a while and perhaps more probabilistic in our approach.
I am expecting my trajectory to be at Ronald McDonald stadium (where I presume the chemicals are mixed these summer days) at 6:30 tomorrow evening. Perhaps someone could patch a call through to me at 0407 144 589 if this is not the intended trajectory of other probable Wanderers.
Yours Epistemologically,
A. Balbo
Rocket Science Officer.
Cageys Cat Part 3
St Martins Tower, 31 Market Street
No sign of Murray on level 8. Will check the ground level in a minute.
Bam:
El Muth not present....
Has anyone thought to check all known eating houses (as for the spiritual sustenance this may be more difficult)....
PM:
Probably not here either
Comrade:
It took a while to knock on all the doors at ANU, but once again, we have a negative finding.
VHR:
Cagey's Cat Part 2
Coordinates on Earth
25°12' S, 135°56' E
Earth Coordinates within Universe Unknown.
Boffinista.
Cagey's Cat
Wanderer physicists,
The way to resolve Murray's Dilemna as to his existence or not, along with
that of S's cat, is for one of us to make a measurement. One of us needs to
look in on Muz and observe whether or not he is alive and where we think he
is.
To start this process, I made several observations last night between 6.40pm
and 9pm at Tum Thai Stadium. Based on my observations, which were
standardised to World Research Organisation methods, I am reasonably certain
that Muz was NOT at Tum Thai Stadium. But the universe is infinitely large,
so I cannot locate his being simply by ruling out a single set of locational
coordinates. I must simultaneously make an infinite set of measurements
across all coordinates in the universe, down to the sub-atomic level, before
i can conclude whether he is here or there. This assumes, obviously, that he
is within the universe I speak of; if he is not, I suggest we cease all
communication with him now because he ain't ever going to show for the
Wanderers.
I propose a pilot project, to help identify whether or not Muz is alive and
can be locationally pinpointed. At exactly 1200 EDST today, I request all
Wanderers to observe whether or not Muz is within their vicinity. I'll
compile your individual reports and assess the results in the SCW lab. If
the pilot is successful, we may wish to promote an expansion of the study to
all inhabitants of the universe.
Yours quantumly,
Bombus Terrestris
schrodingers cat
Punters
I've been worrying for some time about the meaning of football, and
although my dilema is by no means resolved, i've decided to end
speculation with some empirical research. this means i'll turn up for at
least one game in the near future, the actual date to be determined by
monte carlo simulation.
as to my physical whereabouts at any one given time, i must admit i'm as
uncertain, yet as boxed in, as schrodingers cat.
as far as i know, i'm still alive.
El Muth, the man masked by probability
Cagey Asks the Big Questions - Stoffaduka Replies
I am happy to confirm that I have very much alive, despite rumours to
the contrary. The deep pain of being unable to appear for the Wanderers
on Wednesday nights has rendered me incapable of participating in the
regular email banter. Various Rugby World Cup, PhD and work engagements
have exacerbated this pain.
Despite a strong lobbying campaign on my part, I was unable to convince
Bruvvers FC to join a non-Wednesday competition, and I couldn't leave
the struggling club to battle relegation without my midfield
exuberance. We went down 3-1 in a tough encounter last night - we had
no reserves, they had two, and yours truly was struggling not to throw
up towards the end of the game. Nevertheless, I was responsible for our
goal - my long distance strike glancing off the back of their sweeper
and finding the corner of the net. This leaves us with a draw and a
loss from our first two games, a better start than last comp at least,
where we eventually finished 6th (out of 8).
Hope all is well at SCW and all are continuing to fill their respective
roles with aplomb.
Cheers, Stoffaduka (Sister Club Correspondent)
Cagey Asks the Big Questions
We have a confirmed 6. Usual suspects, all of them (apart from the club
rebel, who should be labelled a most unusual suspect).
The big questions remain:
- did Camikaze again miss out on selection for the Wanderers for
failing to
attend a compulsory spelling test (the answer to which is, of course,
S-C-W), or will he make a surprise appearance sporting some facial
hair phenomena picked up on the Apple Isle?
- is El Presidente intending to continue his rich vein of form
tonight with the Wanderers or is his flash-in-the-pan season over before it began?
- is Playmaker intending to bring out the backheel, or has he gone
underground in some Defence bunker backwater for the evening?
- is Van Hankelroy back on deck after a tough week with the SCW
Ladies, or is he still tied to a headboard dressed in little pieces of
carefully placed leather?
- is El Muth the man of discourse (from the Greek, meaning Football
Pitch) that he profers to be, or is he insubstantiated by his philosophical
meanderings and so unable to field a physical presence at Tum Thai
Stadium
No. 2?
- is Stoffa even alive?
and
- will the ghosts of Wanderers Past be there to trip us up when
we're clear on goal?
The only to find out is to turn up tonight. See you there.
I. Martinez
Heavy Turntable Operator
Cagey and the Wednesday Blues (complete with CanCandancers)...not to be missed performance
no announcement yet for this evening game ? does it
mean a potential cancellation ? I'll be there with a
slight cold. W promised to play despite a recent food
poisoning. Any other sick players ?
- denis lecoge
- w
======================================
Wazza:
Case of food poisoning revealed to be flu apparently...I'll have no
energy, no skill, no enthusiasm, no glory and no luck, but I will have
presence (not of mind but body).
So, to see Cagey perform (I have no interest in the Can Can dancers at
all, honest Pip) I will turn up, even if it kills me.
So, lads, big night tonight as a practice run for Balbo's return next
week...
Wazza the reformed (no longer
CRAPSPEWITUPYASSORELSEWHEREJUSTPLAINCRAPS)
1. Cagey
2. Wazza the Reformed (finally)
3. Sandinista (far right extremist)
4. Ice martinez, dj
5. Storrierienko (ambulance driver)
6. Count Liamov
On the bench
1. Shilin (Canberra cult)
2. Bam Bam (general traitor)
3. Balbo (Vientiane Viking)
A Note from Your Secretary General
I apologise for being out of contact for a little while. I have, however
been monitoring my email and been appropriately entertained by
content and slag-offs.
I have also been participating in a few benchmarking projects whilst here, and one of my findings has been that all of the medium size bureaucratic organization here have a 'Secretary-General' rather than just a 'Secretary'. I therefore request that my title be altered to 'Secretary-General' in the interests of best practice and allowing me to serve the club in the best possible way. This would in no way affect the existing power structures dominated by President Iainamoto and
Chairman Comrade.
In another investigation, it appears that our popular website has been taken off the e-waves in what I can only think of as deliberate censorship of the club. This may be due to the Club's unwavering refusal to rename Tum Thai Stadium to 'Telstra Stadium' for a couple of grand. I therefore >propose a boycott of all Telstra products and services, and ask SCW Webjockey to investigate. The fact that no-one has noticed our apparent e-death is also interesting ? does that suggest that not many people visit our site?
May I also add that this Wednesday is my 30th birthday, so I would appreciate it if our coming Wednesday fixture could somehow incorporate this as a theme. Perhaps it could be first to 30 before the match finishes, or even that Hanker's 30th goal is dedicated to me. If you agree, I will
sit by my SCW shrine on the verandah with a gin & tonic at 2:30pm as you are kicking off, so that I am in solidarity with you, my national cadres.
As a general invitation, we've now got cable TV at our house here, so anyone who wants to come over to watch Euro 2004 here is most welcome.
Plus there's four hours difference from Coogee so the games will be on at a more reasonable time. There's not much else to do here though. Apart from beers on the Mekong of which I have partaken at your request, Storrierenko.
Yours from the newsdesk,
A. Balbo.
Secretary-General-elect