VHR in Tanzania

Take it to the Westies

Beloved,

There may be some confusion about tomorrow's big game, so here's my attempt
at clearing it up before it muddies the proverbial waters beyond the pale.

Sandinista is the Club Geographical Expansion Officer. Under his recently
introduced "Take it to the Westies" program, Sandinista is proposing we play
tomorrow at a new venue (Prince Alfred Park, adjacent to central station)
and a new time (6pm).

This move will only go ahead if it is endorsed by a quorum of Wanderers.
Otherwise, it's game on at Tum Thai Stadium No.2.

The survey must go out then, clear and unambiguous:

Who will play tomorrow if there is a change of venue and time to the above
but not if we play at TTS2?
1. [insert name and rank here]
2. [insert name and rank here]
3. [insert name and rank here]
4. [insert name and rank here]

Who won't play if we change venues and times as above?
1. [insert name and rank here]
2. [insert name and rank here]
3. [insert name and rank here]
4. [insert name and rank here]

Who will play at either venue and time?
1. DJAarondo
2. Sandinista
3. Balbo
4. [insert name and rank here]

SCW Player Ratings

Comrades,

The sideshow cup is over, and as a few of you may know, Italy has won the right to play us in next year's Feast Day Final. As is the tradition, the South Coogee Bugle offers an assessment of the opposition, and speculates on possible match ups.

South Coogee Bugle
Wanderers v. Azzuri, a hopeless mismatch Dave McBride, staff reporter

The Azzuri may have overcome les bleux, but they had an average age of 83.8 and lacked key defenders Cagey le Coge and Francois Mitterand, and the Bugle believes they lack the class to compete mentally, physically and socially with South Coogee's finest.

Gianluigi Buffon: Deceived by Zidane from the spot but lived up to his reputation as the world's second best keeper with two good saves to deny Henry and another from Zidane. Will struggle to match it with Comrade Shilin in the cauldron that is Ronald MacDonald Stadium, due to weakness under the high ball and a shaky grasp of market socialism. 2.

Gianluca Zambrotta: Booked early on for a late challenge on Vieira. Kept France pegged back by pushing forward regularly and perfectly placed to intercept when Henry tried to set up Malouda. Will be shown up by his opposite man, Da Playmaker on one simple statistic – backheels. Zambrotta managed only two over the 120 minutes, while SCW’s Family Man is averaging
183.4 per game. 0.

Marco Materazzi: Nightmare start for former Everton man. Tried to pull out of tackle but still conceded a penalty, then came close to netting an own goal. Made amends with the equaliser and then slammed home a penalty. But what did he say to Zidane? Whatever dirty tricks he may claim, he will be pupil to a master who has long moved on from the nipple cripple, and now executes the squirrel grip with such lightning efficiency that even the fourth referee won’t pick it up. And Marco, it’s very, very dark in his cupboard. 6.

Fabio Cannavaro: Brilliant sliding tackle on Henry. Superb positional sense as always. Hardly put a foot wrong, but is a complete dud compared to Sandinista, who will not only direct the defence and bring the value of democracy into question, but is also expected to provide free technical advice to all five referees during the Feast Day Final. 8.

Fabio Grosso: Kept Franck Ribery under control for long periods and pushed forward as well. Took a deep breath and won the World Cup for Italy. But as cheating, diving mongrels go he’s but a poor man’s Chamot Hogan. And how many goals does he score from halfway? None. 10.

Simone Perrotta (off 61): First player from Ashton-under-Lyme to appear in a World Cup final since Geoff Hurst and did not make anywhere near the same impact. They won’t be subbing Davorinho off after 61 minutes, you loser. -5.

Andrea Pirlo: No real room to exhibit the full range of his passing but created havoc with a series of well-placed set pieces. Flashed a free-kick inches wide. Scored in shoot-out. But did he score afterwards? That’s a question they won’t need to ask any of the Wanderers, particularly Cutty, who’s just landed a sweet new deal to rebuild Iran after Uncle Dick’s next war. 8.

Gennaro Gattuso: Shaded an intense midfield battle with Vieira. Covered acres of ground and closed down numerous French attacks. Not the most eye-catching player but outstanding. Has modelled his game, wardrobe and hairstyle on SCW’s hack man, El Kaze, but still looks like a shabby facsimile of his idol. It’s called gutless, Gattuso. 1.

Mauro Camoranesi: Solid rather than spectacular. Switched flanks with Perrotta but less effective on the left and moved back again. His opposite number, Cardinal Storrienko, knows plenty about switches on flanks too, and with a large number of Hillsong altar boys ministering to his every whim, should have too much dogma and discipline for the overrated Argentinian showpony. 5.

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Francesco Totti (off 61): Massive disappointment. Barely had a kick. We expect the same from CRAPS Wazzadonna. But with a lot more chat, and a good deal less pouting. And he peels a mean orange. But they might have to bring back Juan to capture the necessary gap between expectation and delivery. 2.

Luca Toni: Clear sight of goal blocked out by Thuram. Firm header against the bar and a goal ruled out for a marginal offside. The Wanderers look to have more options up front with the subtle, silky skills of El Pres, who manages a goal in every cup game. Expected to reach double figures against a leaky Italian back four. 5.1.

Daniele de Rossi (on 61): Back after his four-match ban but didn't make that much of an impact until he scored in the shoot-out. SCW’s Sedadine Sidane is serving a ten-match ban for failing to knock out Phil Neville with a headbutt that Camikaze described as ‘woefully soft’. He’s vowed to make amends on de Rossi’s rather empty noggin. 3.

Vincenzo Iaquinta (on 61): Provided extra pace to Italy's forward thrusts but little overall impact. Despite rumours of Viagra-assisted performances, the Wanderer’s prime poacher never misses with his forward thrusts, on or off the pitch. Just don’t ask him to take any corners. Or announce the winner of the FFL. Not that anyone is bitter about that. Oh no. 0.

Alessandro del Piero (on 87): No telling contribution from Italy's star man but kept his nerve in the shoot-out. By contrast, the Wanderer’s pretty boy is expected to showcase a new range of shirt tugging, time wasting, and leg breaking tricks. And he’ll be flogging the DVD of his exploits after the game. -3.

Cocky Pope

SOUTH COOGEE—With Pope John Paul II's health in decline, there is speculation as to who will succeed him as the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Gregory Andres Rodriguez Storrienko announced Monday that he is more than ready to accept the challenges of the papacy.

Above: Storrienko, who is ready and willing to replace Pope John Paul II (below).

"When the Sacred College of Cardinals names me pope, I'm gonna shake things up," Storrienko said. "And I'm not just talking about giving the Popemobile a new coat of paint. I'm talking about big moves that will reconfirm the Catholic Church's position as the supreme, full, and immediate power in the football world, may God grant us peace."

Storrienko, a charismatic cardinal from Tbilisi, Georgia, said he is "not afraid to do multiple stepovers of the stodgy rituals" of the Catholic Church.

"First thing, let's get the online theological tour done," Storrienko said. "We were slated to have Phase II complete in December 2003, but click on 'altar' or '4-4-2' and you still get nothing. Let's get our Wednesday Matches, Sunday Mass and special liturgical celebrations online, too. As pope, I want to touch as many people as I can, and streaming video is just the ticket for that."

Storrienko said he would like to upgrade the pope's public image by reviving the more formal title, The Supreme Pontiff.

"I'd like to re-establish that sense of respect for the high seat at the Holy See," Storrienko said. "We need to emphasize that I—assuming the inevitable happens—am in charge of the spiritual lives of more than one billion Catholics worldwide. It's mainly a public-relations thing—no big deal, God willing."

Storrienko said he is also planning to farm out some of the "less Pope-y duties" after his election, to free up some of his time.

"Does the Pope really need to be the bishop of Maroubra?" Storrienko said. "I'll have enough on my plate already, so I'm pretty sure I'll have one of the other Wanderers take care of that. Also, I have some great changes I want to make to the Sacrosanctum Concilium of 1963. Nothing in the body or the message—just some gentle massaging to bring some of the wording up to date."

Many Vatican insiders have said that Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan is more likely to be named Pope John Paul II's successor, but Storrienko said he is confident there will be an upset.

"The Church already had 450 years of wog popes," Storrienko said. "After 27 refreshing years with a Polish pope, do you really think people are going to want to go back to wogs again? Just because the Vatican is in I-taly, that doesn't mean the pope's got to be wog. With so many Catholics in South America, the times call for a Latin man of God to don the miter. And that Latin man of God is going to be me, may He strengthen my faith with proofs."

Continued Storrienko: "I'm not saying Tettamanzi's not a good cardinal, but if you spent a couple minutes in the same room with him and me, I think you'd have a pretty good idea which one of us is better suited to be the Vicar of Jesus Christ and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church."

Above: Storrienko bounces some ideas off of a few of his undisclosed offspring.

Storrienko said he would not change the things that people love most about the pope.

"The robes, the hat, the staff—all that benevolent-father stuff is going to stay," Storrienko said. "Hey, I'm not crazy. Also, the day-to-day operations of local churches in South Coogee will continue apace. So don't worry, Catholics. I've got your back."

Rumors have spread that, should he be installed as pope, Storrienko will effect a number of immediate changes, moving the Vatican from Rome to South Coogee, modernizing the doctrine of apostolic succession to be hereditary, banning the use of the 4-3-3 formation, pushing football conversions in remote regions where rugby league dominates, and streamlining the stations of the cross from 14 to 10.

"I don't want to comment on any of that," Storrienko said. "Those ideas came out of a brainstorming session and were all merely speculative. I will say, though, that if Vatican City is looking for some fresh, new ideas, I've got plenty."

Even though Storrienko has supporters, some say that his swagger is not what Catholics are looking for in God's representative on earth. Storrienko shrugged off such criticisms.

"I know what I want and I'm not afraid to go for it, may He direct my steps to Himself," Storrienko said. "It's like Pope Pius IX used to say: 'It's not the sin of pride if it's true.'"

Cardinal’s 10 Commandments:

1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange sports before me.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of Iainamoto thy President in vain.

3. Remember thou keep the Wednesday.

4. Honor thy Cardinal and thy Secretary.

5. Thou shalt not play rugby league.

6. Thou shalt console post-match despair with Donnas.

7. Thou shalt not steal, unless it is poor children’s goal nets.

8. Thou shalt not eat at asian food halls when thou lives in asia.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy Wanderer's wife.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy pass from Hankelrooy.

The Wanderers have spoken, the word is out – El Presidente Iainamoto is the biggest hero of ours. This, of course, was the correct answer.

What else?

Most of us started playing for SCW thanks to an El Presidente media appearance, and keep playing thanks to a perceived religious calling, or being bound by the watertight SCW contract. We are a majority bunch of wankers (though we didn’t need a survey to tell us that) who mostly, and shockingly, live overseas or even worse - west of Anzac Pde. There was a 50/50 split between those married to soccer wives and eligible bachelors, reflecting earlier heated debate within the club on this matter.

Happily we have a 100% satisfaction rate with current SCW management and direction, which seems to be a clear indication of a wide support base for Iainamoto, and an apparent mandate for his proposed restructuring that Kofi Annan seems to have copied, and his push to sell off 100% of the club in three messy installments. This must come as a shock for Club Rebel Crapspewitup, who did not attract even his own vote for his uphill battle against perceived wrongdoing at the pointy end of club affairs.

In terms of features that you would like to see improved or brought in, items with over 40% support included – VHR always playing in goals, SCW diplomatic passports and personalized supplies of cocaine after each fixture – all good choices. I have approved a requisition from Treasurer Sandinista to purchase necessary hardware, including personal mirrors, with immediate effect. A secondary vote was for longer studs rather than a ban on studs, which may be influenced by Cagey and his studs departing our shores. Our proposed finance for the purchase of 15 SCW motif Learjets will be put on hold, given a low support base for their use of only 39%. Perhaps this is reflective of Wanderer’s daily musings on the increasing price of Brent Crude. A muzzle for Wazzadonna was an early favorite, but perhaps due to some late campaigning by Wazza it did not get the required 40% support.

Bam Bam was voted the squeakiest clean, followed closely by Iainamoto, Garthinho, Sanfordinho, Cagey, Barista and Juanaldo. On the other end of the scale DJ Udon was clearly voted most likely to be Assistant Deputy Commissioner in the NSW Police force, with Camikaze rated as bordering on the backhander. Other notables voted grubby were myself (note unusual transparency), Comrade, Cardinal Storrienko, Ladies Man VHR and obviously Treasurer Sandinista.

All website features were voted very important, with the exception of real time SCW stock pricing, Presidential pet exclusives and promotion of the Bam Bam 1800 number. I guess your average Coogee punter knows about the 1800 service already, or it maybe an attempt to silence Bam Bam’s controversial views on immigration. These results are seen as a clear victory for VHR, as almost all of his Club Ideas-Man ideas gained popular support. He was very happy to hear the results when I phoned him in Delhi this morning, and said that those results were better than the work he had done on the bog last night, after a cheap dinner out on the town.

Some of the more creative answers to questions were:

· punters who stated that they first heard about the Wanderers via ‘Graffiti in the toilets at the Taxi Club’, or being ‘Signed up by Comrade the Red’.

· punters who play for, or are associated with, the Wanderers ‘in part to satisfy a request from ASIO and the Commonwealth Police’ - must be part of their bail conditions – or for ‘all of the above plus I like to score goals’. Not sure if he meant on the pitch or after the match. Another punter ‘loves getting in trouble with my Soccer Wife every time I have to do something with SCW.’

· punters listing overseas addresses were ‘my postal address is in the Caymans’, ‘Brisvegas’, ‘The Peoples Republic of Comrade’, and cheekily ‘Balmain’.

Some of the other suggestions for on and off pitch improvements were as follows:

· Nude Charity matches for wayward girls; Bigger boxes supplied to players; Less homosexuality/more heterosexual players; Under 18's junior girls cheer squad training camps; Increased media presence and merchandise (e.g. range of SCW sex toys); Meet the players evenings; SCW kiddies training days

· SCW Track-suits; SCW Flag Pole + Flag; Fully operational SCW club-house with extensive bar, pool, pool-bar, dancing girls etc etc; SCW Royal Commission into Corruption; SCW World Tour (II); SCW Oz Tour; SCW currency; SCW Cheer Squad etc etc; Pay rise for VHR – note that these have been considered, briefly, and denied by Iainamoto.

· Democracy, man.

· "Mo Only" Fridays.

· More parties where Wanderers stay up past 8.30pm.

· A little less talk, and a whole lot more walk.

Rest assured I will taking these results forward in a 2005-2010 SCW Action Plan, to be approved by Storrienko’s ISO9001 Quality Assurance Branch Sub-Committee - soon to be relocated to the Vatican.

Club President Iainamoto wishes to thank you all for your valuable feedback.

Yours with a mandate,

A. Balbo

Club Secretary