Farewell Bongo

Bonginho,

The Club presents you with this parting token, in memory of your good
service for the Wanderers. This photo of the Wanderers and several 'Donnas'
was taken on a recent Club recreational excursion aboard a US nuclear
submarine, arranged by Comrade Shi Lin. If i remember rightly it was your
antics at the control panel that nearly gave Pyongyang a "dawn surprise",
but thankfully for the Club's sweatshops in the region Van Hankelroy stepped
in at just the right moment (as he so often does) and a catastrophe was
avoided.

If you find yourself in France, please call in on Club Meterologist Cagey le
Coge. He plays the high ball like no man before him.

May your trip be long if not winding.
DJA

Now rugby league is a mortal sin

Now rugby league is a mortal sin
By Crusher Cleal
July 7, 2005
The Family Values arm of the South Coogee Wanderers has declared the wilful
watching of rugby league to be a sin, as a core group of Australian
religious leaders have placed their political weight behind a campaign to
fight rugby league.
The family values network of the worldwide Wanderers communion has framed an
urgent and strongly worded statement to global leaders warning humanity has
failed to fulfil "God's will for creation" and of the imminent "perilous and
catastrophic collapse" of the Earth's moral fibre if rugby league is allowed
to continue.
SCW Club Cardinal and Family Values Spokesman Storrienko issued a statement
calling for mention of rugby league to be stricken from any future editions
of the Bible, churches with flatscreen TV's to only allow watching of games
with a round ball, and for pressure to be applied on governments and
industries to marginalise rugby league "beyond" the Origin series decider.
He clarified that his original statement had limited TV viewing to football
only, but it was re-worded to the more general "round ball" after concerns
were raised by the Club's Chinese specialist Comrade Shi Lin that there may
be a backlash against SCW Enterprises if ping pong was outlawed.
"We are becoming increasingly aware that the world is being harmed by rugby
league, and we know how to eliminate the harm it is having," the statement
says. "This is breaking one of the most fundamental commandments known to
us, in that we are knowingly causing the degradation of the world's
intelligence just because we love Fatty Vautin and Ray Martin, rather than
living with and protecting the design that issues from the creator's
generosity."
The far-ranging statement was framed at a conference in April hosted by
moral crusader David McBride, who is the Cardinal's new right hand man and
was endorsed as a "possible future Wanderer" at last week's meeting of the
SCW Executive in Vientiane.
While not binding on the wider communion, it was a platform for further
dialogue, said Cagey le Coge, who assured Club Executives that although
unsupervised in Paris he would not be tuning in to Foxtel to watch the
second half of the Origin game.
The move comes as the East-running and West-running sub-branches of the
Wanderers prepare for tonights clash by joining forces to circulate a
brochure to parishes across the country titled Changing Codes, Changing
Creation. It urges a letter-writing campaign to push for new targets and
timetables for increased use of mockery when referring to rugby league, and
a commitment to spitting in disgust whenever a stranger mentions rugby
league in conversation.
The South Coogee Wanderers President, Iainomoto, welcomed the Cardinal's
statement although admitted he had not personally authorised its release
beforehand. Dehumanisation through rugby league watching was a hard issue to
convey, he said. "We recognise if it is to have any traction people have to
realise ... we need to emphasise the moral urgency. And when it comes to
persuading people to change channels nothing had greater moral force than
God's word. Except maybe Balbo's, but he's busy".

>

Mohawk or mullet?

By Sherna Noah
London
August 1, 2005

Disastrous hair: Sandinista, Abel Balbo and Iainomoto.
Photo: File

It's official - or at least one British survey says so, ranking the Mohawk as the worst hair disaster of all time.

The mullet, worn by the likes of David Bowie, Michael Bolton and SCW Club President Iainomoto, came second.

The beehive hairdo of the 1960s, as worn by SCW Club Secretary Abel Balbo, was voted third.

Also in the top 10 terrible Wanderers dos were the helmet head, the perm, and the ironed look. The telephone poll of 1022 adults and 6394 chimps was conducted by Braun (an SCW subsidiary).

The worst hair disasters of all time include:

- The Mohawk - a favourite of safety-pin-pierced punks and international football stars, including Club Treasurer Sandinista.

- The mullet - the 1980s look favoured by Iainomoto, which adds a nasty twist to a short back and sides.

- The beehive - the 1960s look that defies gravity and kept the hairspray industry in business and made a comeback on catwalks in the 1990s thanks to Balbo's high profile.

- Helmet head - victims, such as Camikaze and Cagey le Coge, appear to have had their hair cut around a bowl.

- New Romantic - long on one side, short on the other. Back in vogue thanks to Club Whip Don Juan.

- Back-combed bouffant - sculpted, sprayed and teased into a helmet of big curls, waves, and bouffant. Popular in the 1960s and '80s, and enjoying a revival thanks to Cardinal Storrienko.

- Perm - loved by all in the '80s, and still the do-of-choice for Club Rebel Wazzadona.

- The ironed look - poker-straight hair was once achieved using the classic household appliance, the iron. Comrade Shi Lin perfected the look using telephone books, although admitted he got a stiff neck sleeping with the yellow pages.

- Crimped - a favourite among rockers in the '80s. Sported on special occasions by Club Ladies Man Van Hankelroy, and on match days by Juanaldo.

- The page boy - Playmaker and Sanfordinho have made this cut their own. Straight across the front and trimmed to the nape of your neck.

Associated Coogee Press.

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2005/07/31/1122748527364.html?from=top5

Polygamy prescribed for republic's ills

Polygamy prescribed for republic's ills

http://www.smh.com.au/news/world/polygamy-prescribed-for-states-ills/2006/01
/16/1137260002069.html

ARDEN STREET: Football heartland South Coogee must embrace polygamy to counter a gender imbalance caused by years of woman-hogging by the Club Ladies Man, says Cardinal Storrienko, head of the Family Values faction of the club that enforces moral control in most of the small but powerful republic.
Storrienko, 49, a father of five and acting Vatican Envoy, said there were at least 90 per cent fewer males than females hanging around the club.
"[Polygamy] is necessary because we have so many women here," he said in an interview with the Ekho Coogee Moskvy radio station. "It's allowed by sharia
law: every Wanderer who can maintain them must have four wives. I welcome that."
Polygamy is illegal under Coogee law, but asked if changes in legislation would be required to allow it in the South Coogee republic, he replied: "No.
That law does not apply to Wanderers, only to punters on the street. Every Wanderer decides for himself how he lives. He is the master. He decides the rules. I'm sure we're not going to interfere in his personal life."
Club Secretary General Abel Balbo believes the Club Ladies Man is to blame for the number of women hanging around the club. "You only have to see the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he shakes his hips... the women can't think straight. It's got to the point now where Van Hankelroy can't satisfy all of the women, there's simply not enough hours in the day for him to give all of them a go. So we need the rest of the Wanderers to shoulder some of the burden".
Juanaldo, the Club's leading Latin light, agreed. "Remember, these women are our fans. And a club that doesn't satisfy its fans may as well be an RSL club instead of a famous football club. We're not the Maroubra Seals, we don't say 'yes, yes, come in and enjoy' and then send the eager punters into our pokey and bingo rooms to die a quiet death. No, we say 'come in, eat of our fruit, drink of our wine, be sated, for you are special to us'. We look after our fans".
Other Club Executives have backed Storrienko, saying polygamy should be rolled out across South Coogee to help reduce the queues of women waiting outside the back gate at Ronald McDonald stadium. Previous attempts in the small republic's faux-parliament to introduce the practice have failed, largely because the Club President Iainomoto is nervous about supporting polygamy. "I'm all for it" he said at the time, "but to be honest I don't know if the First Lady will be happy about it. I'll have to ask first."
The Guardian

Heartbreak: Storrienko's dream over

By Matt Le Tissier
May 10, 2006

THE senior religious statesman of the South Coogee Wanderers, defender Storrienko Gregoreyovic, is out of the World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool] and his preaching career is in limbo after recent tests revealed a chastity-threatening loin condition.

Storrienko's problem, an uncontrollable loins, was discovered because of SCW's new pre-tournament testing regime - implemented in the wake of the death of Club supporter Richard Carleton who collapsed with a heart attack after leaving one of the Club's brothels at the SCW Workers for Exploitation Trophy in Beaconsfield three days ago. Stoz becomes the first footballer from South Coogee to be caught in the net of the new "health passport" procedures, which encourage all players to complete a series of health checks before appearing in either a SCW tournament or a Club-owned brothel.

In a devastating personal blow, and a huge setback for Wanderers preparations for their endd-of-Winter season trip to Coffs Harbour, the 35-year-old has been forced out of the squad on the eve of realising his lifelong ambition to share the same room as Van Hankelroy during the World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool] finals. The third-most-capped Wanderer has played in four World Cup [Eastern Suburns Pool] campaigns since making his SCW debut 15 years ago, and produced arguably his finest performances for the Club in the three-legged race against Balmain Massif before the main game kicked off earlier this year.

Stoz, however, may yet go to Coffs Harbour on the end of season trip as a non-playing team member to offer advice - just as Bam Bam did last year when the Wanderers famously teamed up with the Bulldogs to party in the pool.

In a statement issued through Football Federation South Coogee and broadcast live on Al-Jazeera, the Club Cardinal said: "It's something that has come as a real shock but due to the seriousness of the situation I had no other choice in the interests of my own health and the team that I withdraw. At least until the inflammation dies down".

"When I return to South Coogee I'll have some further examinations and once I have that information I'll decide if Family Values is still the right portfolio for me, but in the short term it would be too much of a risk. Of course I would love to play in the World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool] - it's been a dream of mine - but until I am fully comfortable with my chastity situation, I can't risk nights out on the town with the team, especially if Van Hankelroy's going. Though I won't be partying with my teammates, I'll be joining the rest of South Coogee and those watching the podcasts from the McBride ranch in the Hunter Valley in giving them my full support."

Storrienko discovered his problem last month after undergoing what he thought would be a routine loin "stress" test in the Netherlands, where he had been preaching against the perils of tolerance until a broken 'pointing finger' ended his sermons. He had an genitocardiogram, where he experienced shortness of breath while watching Paris Hilton vidoes, and further tests in London this week confirmed an irregular loin rhythm.

He will return to South Coogee late this week for more examinations in the back room at Rinos, and depending on medical advice could yet play a farewell season in the Wanderers Over Fifties League, which kicks off as soon as someone other than the Club President turns fifty.

Stoz's elder brother, former miner Brant Webb, admitted yesterday the news had come as a "massive shock" to the family. "I spoke to Stoz after he got his test results last night, and I don't think it had sunk in yet," Brant said.

"He's waited so long to go to a World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool], longer than I waited in that fckin cage in the dark while they threw scraps in at me and made me sleep in my sh^t... it's just one month away, and this happens. It's obviously devastating. He didn't see it coming. But, at the end of the day, the most important thing is his health and his Bible. He's got a goat and two kids that he doesn't admit to, and we all want him around for another 100 years."

Wanderers Club Secretary Abel Balbo, a former teammate before he left for the Spa'n'Sauna circuit of South East Asia, has had "painful" conversations with Storrienko recently - mostly about "mens issues" - but believes the correct decision has been made. "I've had a lot to do with the Cardinal during his career, and if anybody deserved to go to a World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool], it's him," Balbo said. "Him or Me".

"This is tragic news, but it shows you just can't play around with kids in the rectory. You just can't predict how much it could spill over into other areas of your life. And besides, you never know where the little buggers have been".

Former Wanderers team doctor Cagey le Coge, who has served on the SCW's French Medical Committee (Medecins Sans Intelligence) since 1999, was heavily involved in implementing the "health passport" guidelines, and has mixed feelings about Stoz's plight. "On one hand I'm very saddened - I've known him for a long, long time, and he's an absolute gentleman," Cagey said. "But on the other hand, I'm happy that the new regulations have worked, because I may have saved my job. Everyone thought I was useless before now, but now I have something to show, some contribution."

Iainomoto, the most capped Wanderer, said: "I've known the Cardinal since he first preached for Adelaide City Parish and I still think of him as one of the young boys in the team. But I suppose I just get confused because he always brings young boys, immaculately dressed young boys, to the weekly games. Hopefully he'll get things under control below the belt and can come back to us soon."

Davorinho suspended by SCW, Van Hankelroy charged with 'serious seduction'

Davorinho suspended by SCW, Van Hankelroy charged with 'serious seduction'

Monday August 28, 2006
The South Coogee Letterbox Drop


South Coogee Wanderers have suspended their midfield running dog Davorinho from today until tomorrow morning, following him being cluttered to the ground by a forearm smash from team-mate Sebved last wednesday.

SCW embarked on a damage-limitation exercise yesterday, with Club President Iainomoto phoning west-running's captain Camikaze to get a detailed version of the event, and then phoning Davor to inform the player he will not be welcome at the Erskineville Canine Stadium tonight or tomorrow morning before 9am.

"What Davor did, by making a "You just hurt me" noise, was unacceptable. Seb had every right to lash out with his forearm after watching Davor refuse to take just one touch for the umpteenth time that night, and Davor should have taken it on the chin". Iainomoto described Davor's actions as "indefensible".

Some players expressed surprise, saying that they hadn't really heard Davor's whimper, but Sebved said in his post-match interview "I felt very much like Davor tried to make me out to be the bad guy, when all I did was swing my arm at his face".

Club Secretary General Abel Balbo didn't see the incident, but was still available for comment. "I've always said Davor is suspect under a physical challenge, and this latest incident comes as no surprise to me. The kid needs a ban. He needs to have a good hard look at himself, to apologise to Sebved for making a meal of that forearm, and then to get on with playing SCW style".

Meanwhile, off the ball, Van Hankelroy has again been sighted after 3am at the Coogee Bay Hotel Brothel, which led local protector David McBride to investigate the incident. After CCTV video footage of the incident was provided by McBride to FHM, the magazine last night charged VHR with "serious seduction", the fifth time in 2006 that he has been charged with this offence.

Club Sec in budgie smuggler tribute

Club Sec in budgie smuggler tribute

South Coogee Wanderers Club President Iainomoto got a double whammy on his personal campaign trail today - not just news that he’s been dropped to the bench for this week’s clash between East-running and West-running, but also an unwanted glimpse of the Club Secretary General’s Love Packet.

Iainomoto arrived at Rino’s Pizzeria in South Coogee’s fast food heartland to launch his latest book – “Wham, Bam, Thank you M’am” – to be confronted by a half-naked Abel Balbo. Obviously making fun of Iainomoto’s repeated appearances in his swimwear throughout the book launch campaign, Balbo, wearing a pair of red speedos and a white baseball cap, was quickly cut off by two bodyguards with French accents.

When the cameras remained focused on him rather than El Presidente, Balbo said, "Sorry, I'm not the Club President, he's over there". "Just because I'm wearing this doesn't mean I'm Iainomoto," he said.

Balbo stuck around for the press conference but failed to draw a response from the Club’s patriarch, and was again ignored when he went to shake Iainomoto's hand.

Moments earlier, El Presidente’s press conference in front of Rino’s was almost brought to an early end when David McBride and Jonathon Flegg, the Club’s two local Liberal Party stooges, were unable to reach the pizza shop’s ordering counter. The young Libs attempted to move several cameramen, but eventually went around the back of the media pack and snuck in the door as Iainomoto continued speaking to the press. Once inside, McBride showed some local knowledge by ordering a large Four Seasons with extra cheese, while his inexperienced counterpart Flegg went for garlic bread and a medium-sized Super Supreme. “I’m hoping today is Lucky Dollar Day” he said.

The Club President chose Rino’s as the venue for the conference because it was here, in the back rooms, that some of the early womanising referred to in his new tome took place . “VHR had a key to one of the back rooms, and he decked it out himself” said the Pres.

A spokesman for Iainomoto said it was "interesting" that Balbo and his Liberal stooges turned up to the station during their press conference, but that he wasn’t concerned Balbo may be running a campaign to depose him. “I’ve got enough dirt on Balbo to keep him off my case” said the President smugly.

Iainomoto planned to spend the rest of the afternoon doorknocking along Arden Street, although it’s unclear why.

AAP

http://www.smh.com.au/news/state-election-2007/gunning-for-the-budget-smugglers/2007/03/19/1174152948938.html