Heartbreak: Storrienko's dream over

By Matt Le Tissier
May 10, 2006

THE senior religious statesman of the South Coogee Wanderers, defender Storrienko Gregoreyovic, is out of the World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool] and his preaching career is in limbo after recent tests revealed a chastity-threatening loin condition.

Storrienko's problem, an uncontrollable loins, was discovered because of SCW's new pre-tournament testing regime - implemented in the wake of the death of Club supporter Richard Carleton who collapsed with a heart attack after leaving one of the Club's brothels at the SCW Workers for Exploitation Trophy in Beaconsfield three days ago. Stoz becomes the first footballer from South Coogee to be caught in the net of the new "health passport" procedures, which encourage all players to complete a series of health checks before appearing in either a SCW tournament or a Club-owned brothel.

In a devastating personal blow, and a huge setback for Wanderers preparations for their endd-of-Winter season trip to Coffs Harbour, the 35-year-old has been forced out of the squad on the eve of realising his lifelong ambition to share the same room as Van Hankelroy during the World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool] finals. The third-most-capped Wanderer has played in four World Cup [Eastern Suburns Pool] campaigns since making his SCW debut 15 years ago, and produced arguably his finest performances for the Club in the three-legged race against Balmain Massif before the main game kicked off earlier this year.

Stoz, however, may yet go to Coffs Harbour on the end of season trip as a non-playing team member to offer advice - just as Bam Bam did last year when the Wanderers famously teamed up with the Bulldogs to party in the pool.

In a statement issued through Football Federation South Coogee and broadcast live on Al-Jazeera, the Club Cardinal said: "It's something that has come as a real shock but due to the seriousness of the situation I had no other choice in the interests of my own health and the team that I withdraw. At least until the inflammation dies down".

"When I return to South Coogee I'll have some further examinations and once I have that information I'll decide if Family Values is still the right portfolio for me, but in the short term it would be too much of a risk. Of course I would love to play in the World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool] - it's been a dream of mine - but until I am fully comfortable with my chastity situation, I can't risk nights out on the town with the team, especially if Van Hankelroy's going. Though I won't be partying with my teammates, I'll be joining the rest of South Coogee and those watching the podcasts from the McBride ranch in the Hunter Valley in giving them my full support."

Storrienko discovered his problem last month after undergoing what he thought would be a routine loin "stress" test in the Netherlands, where he had been preaching against the perils of tolerance until a broken 'pointing finger' ended his sermons. He had an genitocardiogram, where he experienced shortness of breath while watching Paris Hilton vidoes, and further tests in London this week confirmed an irregular loin rhythm.

He will return to South Coogee late this week for more examinations in the back room at Rinos, and depending on medical advice could yet play a farewell season in the Wanderers Over Fifties League, which kicks off as soon as someone other than the Club President turns fifty.

Stoz's elder brother, former miner Brant Webb, admitted yesterday the news had come as a "massive shock" to the family. "I spoke to Stoz after he got his test results last night, and I don't think it had sunk in yet," Brant said.

"He's waited so long to go to a World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool], longer than I waited in that fckin cage in the dark while they threw scraps in at me and made me sleep in my sh^t... it's just one month away, and this happens. It's obviously devastating. He didn't see it coming. But, at the end of the day, the most important thing is his health and his Bible. He's got a goat and two kids that he doesn't admit to, and we all want him around for another 100 years."

Wanderers Club Secretary Abel Balbo, a former teammate before he left for the Spa'n'Sauna circuit of South East Asia, has had "painful" conversations with Storrienko recently - mostly about "mens issues" - but believes the correct decision has been made. "I've had a lot to do with the Cardinal during his career, and if anybody deserved to go to a World Cup [Eastern Suburbs Pool], it's him," Balbo said. "Him or Me".

"This is tragic news, but it shows you just can't play around with kids in the rectory. You just can't predict how much it could spill over into other areas of your life. And besides, you never know where the little buggers have been".

Former Wanderers team doctor Cagey le Coge, who has served on the SCW's French Medical Committee (Medecins Sans Intelligence) since 1999, was heavily involved in implementing the "health passport" guidelines, and has mixed feelings about Stoz's plight. "On one hand I'm very saddened - I've known him for a long, long time, and he's an absolute gentleman," Cagey said. "But on the other hand, I'm happy that the new regulations have worked, because I may have saved my job. Everyone thought I was useless before now, but now I have something to show, some contribution."

Iainomoto, the most capped Wanderer, said: "I've known the Cardinal since he first preached for Adelaide City Parish and I still think of him as one of the young boys in the team. But I suppose I just get confused because he always brings young boys, immaculately dressed young boys, to the weekly games. Hopefully he'll get things under control below the belt and can come back to us soon."