The Wanderers have spoken, the word is out – El Presidente Iainamoto is the biggest hero of ours. This, of course, was the correct answer.

What else?

Most of us started playing for SCW thanks to an El Presidente media appearance, and keep playing thanks to a perceived religious calling, or being bound by the watertight SCW contract. We are a majority bunch of wankers (though we didn’t need a survey to tell us that) who mostly, and shockingly, live overseas or even worse - west of Anzac Pde. There was a 50/50 split between those married to soccer wives and eligible bachelors, reflecting earlier heated debate within the club on this matter.

Happily we have a 100% satisfaction rate with current SCW management and direction, which seems to be a clear indication of a wide support base for Iainamoto, and an apparent mandate for his proposed restructuring that Kofi Annan seems to have copied, and his push to sell off 100% of the club in three messy installments. This must come as a shock for Club Rebel Crapspewitup, who did not attract even his own vote for his uphill battle against perceived wrongdoing at the pointy end of club affairs.

In terms of features that you would like to see improved or brought in, items with over 40% support included – VHR always playing in goals, SCW diplomatic passports and personalized supplies of cocaine after each fixture – all good choices. I have approved a requisition from Treasurer Sandinista to purchase necessary hardware, including personal mirrors, with immediate effect. A secondary vote was for longer studs rather than a ban on studs, which may be influenced by Cagey and his studs departing our shores. Our proposed finance for the purchase of 15 SCW motif Learjets will be put on hold, given a low support base for their use of only 39%. Perhaps this is reflective of Wanderer’s daily musings on the increasing price of Brent Crude. A muzzle for Wazzadonna was an early favorite, but perhaps due to some late campaigning by Wazza it did not get the required 40% support.

Bam Bam was voted the squeakiest clean, followed closely by Iainamoto, Garthinho, Sanfordinho, Cagey, Barista and Juanaldo. On the other end of the scale DJ Udon was clearly voted most likely to be Assistant Deputy Commissioner in the NSW Police force, with Camikaze rated as bordering on the backhander. Other notables voted grubby were myself (note unusual transparency), Comrade, Cardinal Storrienko, Ladies Man VHR and obviously Treasurer Sandinista.

All website features were voted very important, with the exception of real time SCW stock pricing, Presidential pet exclusives and promotion of the Bam Bam 1800 number. I guess your average Coogee punter knows about the 1800 service already, or it maybe an attempt to silence Bam Bam’s controversial views on immigration. These results are seen as a clear victory for VHR, as almost all of his Club Ideas-Man ideas gained popular support. He was very happy to hear the results when I phoned him in Delhi this morning, and said that those results were better than the work he had done on the bog last night, after a cheap dinner out on the town.

Some of the more creative answers to questions were:

· punters who stated that they first heard about the Wanderers via ‘Graffiti in the toilets at the Taxi Club’, or being ‘Signed up by Comrade the Red’.

· punters who play for, or are associated with, the Wanderers ‘in part to satisfy a request from ASIO and the Commonwealth Police’ - must be part of their bail conditions – or for ‘all of the above plus I like to score goals’. Not sure if he meant on the pitch or after the match. Another punter ‘loves getting in trouble with my Soccer Wife every time I have to do something with SCW.’

· punters listing overseas addresses were ‘my postal address is in the Caymans’, ‘Brisvegas’, ‘The Peoples Republic of Comrade’, and cheekily ‘Balmain’.

Some of the other suggestions for on and off pitch improvements were as follows:

· Nude Charity matches for wayward girls; Bigger boxes supplied to players; Less homosexuality/more heterosexual players; Under 18's junior girls cheer squad training camps; Increased media presence and merchandise (e.g. range of SCW sex toys); Meet the players evenings; SCW kiddies training days

· SCW Track-suits; SCW Flag Pole + Flag; Fully operational SCW club-house with extensive bar, pool, pool-bar, dancing girls etc etc; SCW Royal Commission into Corruption; SCW World Tour (II); SCW Oz Tour; SCW currency; SCW Cheer Squad etc etc; Pay rise for VHR – note that these have been considered, briefly, and denied by Iainamoto.

· Democracy, man.

· "Mo Only" Fridays.

· More parties where Wanderers stay up past 8.30pm.

· A little less talk, and a whole lot more walk.

Rest assured I will taking these results forward in a 2005-2010 SCW Action Plan, to be approved by Storrienko’s ISO9001 Quality Assurance Branch Sub-Committee - soon to be relocated to the Vatican.

Club President Iainamoto wishes to thank you all for your valuable feedback.

Yours with a mandate,

A. Balbo

Club Secretary