Cocky Pope

SOUTH COOGEE—With Pope John Paul II's health in decline, there is speculation as to who will succeed him as the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Gregory Andres Rodriguez Storrienko announced Monday that he is more than ready to accept the challenges of the papacy.

Above: Storrienko, who is ready and willing to replace Pope John Paul II (below).

"When the Sacred College of Cardinals names me pope, I'm gonna shake things up," Storrienko said. "And I'm not just talking about giving the Popemobile a new coat of paint. I'm talking about big moves that will reconfirm the Catholic Church's position as the supreme, full, and immediate power in the football world, may God grant us peace."

Storrienko, a charismatic cardinal from Tbilisi, Georgia, said he is "not afraid to do multiple stepovers of the stodgy rituals" of the Catholic Church.

"First thing, let's get the online theological tour done," Storrienko said. "We were slated to have Phase II complete in December 2003, but click on 'altar' or '4-4-2' and you still get nothing. Let's get our Wednesday Matches, Sunday Mass and special liturgical celebrations online, too. As pope, I want to touch as many people as I can, and streaming video is just the ticket for that."

Storrienko said he would like to upgrade the pope's public image by reviving the more formal title, The Supreme Pontiff.

"I'd like to re-establish that sense of respect for the high seat at the Holy See," Storrienko said. "We need to emphasize that I—assuming the inevitable happens—am in charge of the spiritual lives of more than one billion Catholics worldwide. It's mainly a public-relations thing—no big deal, God willing."

Storrienko said he is also planning to farm out some of the "less Pope-y duties" after his election, to free up some of his time.

"Does the Pope really need to be the bishop of Maroubra?" Storrienko said. "I'll have enough on my plate already, so I'm pretty sure I'll have one of the other Wanderers take care of that. Also, I have some great changes I want to make to the Sacrosanctum Concilium of 1963. Nothing in the body or the message—just some gentle massaging to bring some of the wording up to date."

Many Vatican insiders have said that Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan is more likely to be named Pope John Paul II's successor, but Storrienko said he is confident there will be an upset.

"The Church already had 450 years of wog popes," Storrienko said. "After 27 refreshing years with a Polish pope, do you really think people are going to want to go back to wogs again? Just because the Vatican is in I-taly, that doesn't mean the pope's got to be wog. With so many Catholics in South America, the times call for a Latin man of God to don the miter. And that Latin man of God is going to be me, may He strengthen my faith with proofs."

Continued Storrienko: "I'm not saying Tettamanzi's not a good cardinal, but if you spent a couple minutes in the same room with him and me, I think you'd have a pretty good idea which one of us is better suited to be the Vicar of Jesus Christ and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church."

Above: Storrienko bounces some ideas off of a few of his undisclosed offspring.

Storrienko said he would not change the things that people love most about the pope.

"The robes, the hat, the staff—all that benevolent-father stuff is going to stay," Storrienko said. "Hey, I'm not crazy. Also, the day-to-day operations of local churches in South Coogee will continue apace. So don't worry, Catholics. I've got your back."

Rumors have spread that, should he be installed as pope, Storrienko will effect a number of immediate changes, moving the Vatican from Rome to South Coogee, modernizing the doctrine of apostolic succession to be hereditary, banning the use of the 4-3-3 formation, pushing football conversions in remote regions where rugby league dominates, and streamlining the stations of the cross from 14 to 10.

"I don't want to comment on any of that," Storrienko said. "Those ideas came out of a brainstorming session and were all merely speculative. I will say, though, that if Vatican City is looking for some fresh, new ideas, I've got plenty."

Even though Storrienko has supporters, some say that his swagger is not what Catholics are looking for in God's representative on earth. Storrienko shrugged off such criticisms.

"I know what I want and I'm not afraid to go for it, may He direct my steps to Himself," Storrienko said. "It's like Pope Pius IX used to say: 'It's not the sin of pride if it's true.'"

Cardinal’s 10 Commandments:

1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange sports before me.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of Iainamoto thy President in vain.

3. Remember thou keep the Wednesday.

4. Honor thy Cardinal and thy Secretary.

5. Thou shalt not play rugby league.

6. Thou shalt console post-match despair with Donnas.

7. Thou shalt not steal, unless it is poor children’s goal nets.

8. Thou shalt not eat at asian food halls when thou lives in asia.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy Wanderer's wife.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy pass from Hankelrooy.