SCW Player Ratings

Comrades,

The sideshow cup is over, and as a few of you may know, Italy has won the right to play us in next year's Feast Day Final. As is the tradition, the South Coogee Bugle offers an assessment of the opposition, and speculates on possible match ups.

South Coogee Bugle
Wanderers v. Azzuri, a hopeless mismatch Dave McBride, staff reporter

The Azzuri may have overcome les bleux, but they had an average age of 83.8 and lacked key defenders Cagey le Coge and Francois Mitterand, and the Bugle believes they lack the class to compete mentally, physically and socially with South Coogee's finest.

Gianluigi Buffon: Deceived by Zidane from the spot but lived up to his reputation as the world's second best keeper with two good saves to deny Henry and another from Zidane. Will struggle to match it with Comrade Shilin in the cauldron that is Ronald MacDonald Stadium, due to weakness under the high ball and a shaky grasp of market socialism. 2.

Gianluca Zambrotta: Booked early on for a late challenge on Vieira. Kept France pegged back by pushing forward regularly and perfectly placed to intercept when Henry tried to set up Malouda. Will be shown up by his opposite man, Da Playmaker on one simple statistic – backheels. Zambrotta managed only two over the 120 minutes, while SCW’s Family Man is averaging
183.4 per game. 0.

Marco Materazzi: Nightmare start for former Everton man. Tried to pull out of tackle but still conceded a penalty, then came close to netting an own goal. Made amends with the equaliser and then slammed home a penalty. But what did he say to Zidane? Whatever dirty tricks he may claim, he will be pupil to a master who has long moved on from the nipple cripple, and now executes the squirrel grip with such lightning efficiency that even the fourth referee won’t pick it up. And Marco, it’s very, very dark in his cupboard. 6.

Fabio Cannavaro: Brilliant sliding tackle on Henry. Superb positional sense as always. Hardly put a foot wrong, but is a complete dud compared to Sandinista, who will not only direct the defence and bring the value of democracy into question, but is also expected to provide free technical advice to all five referees during the Feast Day Final. 8.

Fabio Grosso: Kept Franck Ribery under control for long periods and pushed forward as well. Took a deep breath and won the World Cup for Italy. But as cheating, diving mongrels go he’s but a poor man’s Chamot Hogan. And how many goals does he score from halfway? None. 10.

Simone Perrotta (off 61): First player from Ashton-under-Lyme to appear in a World Cup final since Geoff Hurst and did not make anywhere near the same impact. They won’t be subbing Davorinho off after 61 minutes, you loser. -5.

Andrea Pirlo: No real room to exhibit the full range of his passing but created havoc with a series of well-placed set pieces. Flashed a free-kick inches wide. Scored in shoot-out. But did he score afterwards? That’s a question they won’t need to ask any of the Wanderers, particularly Cutty, who’s just landed a sweet new deal to rebuild Iran after Uncle Dick’s next war. 8.

Gennaro Gattuso: Shaded an intense midfield battle with Vieira. Covered acres of ground and closed down numerous French attacks. Not the most eye-catching player but outstanding. Has modelled his game, wardrobe and hairstyle on SCW’s hack man, El Kaze, but still looks like a shabby facsimile of his idol. It’s called gutless, Gattuso. 1.

Mauro Camoranesi: Solid rather than spectacular. Switched flanks with Perrotta but less effective on the left and moved back again. His opposite number, Cardinal Storrienko, knows plenty about switches on flanks too, and with a large number of Hillsong altar boys ministering to his every whim, should have too much dogma and discipline for the overrated Argentinian showpony. 5.

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Francesco Totti (off 61): Massive disappointment. Barely had a kick. We expect the same from CRAPS Wazzadonna. But with a lot more chat, and a good deal less pouting. And he peels a mean orange. But they might have to bring back Juan to capture the necessary gap between expectation and delivery. 2.

Luca Toni: Clear sight of goal blocked out by Thuram. Firm header against the bar and a goal ruled out for a marginal offside. The Wanderers look to have more options up front with the subtle, silky skills of El Pres, who manages a goal in every cup game. Expected to reach double figures against a leaky Italian back four. 5.1.

Daniele de Rossi (on 61): Back after his four-match ban but didn't make that much of an impact until he scored in the shoot-out. SCW’s Sedadine Sidane is serving a ten-match ban for failing to knock out Phil Neville with a headbutt that Camikaze described as ‘woefully soft’. He’s vowed to make amends on de Rossi’s rather empty noggin. 3.

Vincenzo Iaquinta (on 61): Provided extra pace to Italy's forward thrusts but little overall impact. Despite rumours of Viagra-assisted performances, the Wanderer’s prime poacher never misses with his forward thrusts, on or off the pitch. Just don’t ask him to take any corners. Or announce the winner of the FFL. Not that anyone is bitter about that. Oh no. 0.

Alessandro del Piero (on 87): No telling contribution from Italy's star man but kept his nerve in the shoot-out. By contrast, the Wanderer’s pretty boy is expected to showcase a new range of shirt tugging, time wasting, and leg breaking tricks. And he’ll be flogging the DVD of his exploits after the game. -3.